Relationships with a married man are a sin. Is it a sin to meet and sleep with a married man. Karma and relationships outside of marriage

I fell in love with a married man. I feel good with him, and he doubts too. He is married. I understand that this is a sin. But I don’t understand one thing, does love really mean sinning? My thoughts are clear before him, I love him as I have never loved anyone. In a relationship with me, he does not pretend to be in love. Is it really a sin before God, just to love and be with this person? I think that registration does not play any role in the relationship. Adam and Eve loved each other without registration, and people came up with registration in order to save material wealth. Yes, he is married, but no one in this life will say where is yours and where is not. We live, knowing this world ourselves. Each of us develops completely different concepts of love and fidelity over the years. I believe that a husband is unfaithful if he "changes his thoughts": living with one, he always thinks about the other, with whom he feels good, and not physical betrayal. It's just flesh. Judge me. Alyona.

Priest Alexy Kolosov answers:

Alyona! What do you expect from us? Do you want to hear that "everything is possible"? In vain - "everything is possible" if there is no God, but He is. This means that not everything is possible, but only what the Commandments and conscience allow. The commandment clearly says “Do not commit adultery!”, and the severity of this commandment is great - according to the Old Testament law, adulterers are supposed to be stoned to death. In turn, the Gospel, although it does not require such harsh measures, nevertheless does not encourage violations of marital fidelity either. However, your conscience also tells you about this, otherwise I cannot explain the fact of your question - you are trying to “block” the evidence of conscience with a game of reason. This is “Sisyphean labor”, believe me: a huge stone of self-justification will be easily overthrown by a feather of an objective feeling that such a relationship is wrong, a feeling that it is a sin. How much is enough for you? It is clear that God gave us not only commandments, but also freedom - however, He is waiting for us to use this freedom for good, and not as an excuse for lawlessness.
In addition, continuing your logic, there is no sin in killing, because the body is just flesh, and someone will feel good through killing their neighbor. Again, self-knowledge - “Am I a trembling creature or do I have a right?” ...

Sincerely, Priest Alexy Kolosov.

Question: I have been married for several years, and my wife and I often quarrel. Usually because of the little things. She is a strong, strong-willed person, she has her own opinion on everything. How to come to peace and harmony in the family? I am a church person, and my wife is only going to God.

Answer: Not being able to get acquainted with your family situation in detail, I will say quite generally. Almost every woman expects two things from a man.

Firstly, the ability to make decisions (that is, decisiveness) and the ability to be responsible for them. Sometimes it seems to a husband who has an excessively businesslike, active wife that she expects complete obedience and obedience from him, but this is not so. The directive behavior of a woman may be a reaction to the weakness of a man, and in fact she subconsciously expects decisiveness from him, thinking: “Well, make at least some decision!” After all, to be the head of the family, the person responsible is the direct vocation of a man: “The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body” (Eph. 5: 23).

Second , what any woman and wife wants is an attentive, caring attitude towards her beloved man. Indeed, in the nature of a woman from God lies the desire for a strong male shoulder, for a being capable of taking care of her, supporting and comforting her. If she does not find this in a man, her behavior becomes inconsistent with female nature and destiny. Both she and her husband suffer from this.

Decisiveness and responsibility, on the one hand, and tenderness and attention, on the other, are the key to the heart of a beloved woman.

Question : How to bring my husband to a serious conversation about our family problems, if he does not want to talk about serious issues. And in general, no matter what I say, his opinion is always different from mine. We have been married for 15 years and have forgotten when we discussed anything normally - all the time such a confrontation.

Answer: Unfortunately, your situation is quite typical. In so many families, husband and wife are in constant confrontation. For example, as soon as the wife says a word, the husband immediately answers: “No!” Even sometimes without listening to what is at stake. Most often, the husband's protest is caused by excessive pressure on him. He protests like Small child, trying to get away from excessive custody and demands of his wife. What's happening in your family right now didn't happen overnight; Perhaps, at the beginning of family life, the situation was different. And of course, until you establish contact with your husband, return warm, friendly relations, no serious conversation about family problems will work. Now you, apparently, are offended by your husband because he does not want to communicate with you, constantly arguing and bickering. But you yourself imagine whether it is pleasant for someone to communicate with a person who is in a state of resentment, a constant claim? Of course not. I want to minimize communication with such an individual, and if he demands something else, there is no desire to fulfill his requirements, and in general I want to run away from him to the ends of the world.

Our neighbor will only meet us halfway when we overcome the offense and show him sincere favor. No matter how neglected our situation is, no matter how deep the resentment is, we can expect a good attitude towards ourselves only when we ourselves, with an open soul, treat a person kindly. There is a proverb: “They carry water on the offended.” I think that it also says that if a person is offended, angry, no one wants to help him, and he alone is forced to carry his life burden.

When a wife performs her duties well towards her family and her husband, when she is obedient to him, shows her love, treats his needs with understanding, only then can she expect a good attitude towards herself and attention to her requests from her husband.

We cannot change the way someone thinks. We can only influence another person with our love and affection. What does a husband expect from his wife? Respect, affection, sympathy. The ice between you can only be melted by love, and when the husband feels that good changes have taken place in you, then he will be open to a serious conversation about your family problems.

Help you Lord!

Question A: I am very prone to anger, irritability; I myself feel that this is very disturbing in family life. But I can't help myself. When I break into irritation and anger, I control myself poorly, I can say such things, for which I am very ashamed later. How many times have I sworn off to control myself, but every time I break down, especially at the moment of fatigue. I get very tired, as my wife sits with the children, and I work several jobs. What to do?

Answer: Anger not only interferes with family life, but is also capable, if it goes too far, to completely destroy a very a good relationship between the closest people. If a person remembers himself in a moment of anger, he will be horrified: he begins to literally hate the one he loved. This is how anger can darken the soul.

Anger is not just a bad habit, but one of the eight human passions. Passion can be compared to a chronic, rooted disease. But even a neglected disease can be cured. The most important thing for this is:

1) the realization that you are sick with the passion of anger and dependent on it; that you can’t control yourself well, that you no longer rule over passion, but it over you. It is evident from your question that you have this awareness. Also, realizing your weakness, you need to understand that anger, like any passion, can be dealt with not by our weak forces, but only with the help of God. If a person achieves something by his own efforts, binds anger for a while, the effect will be short-lived, and soon the passion will return again. Why? Because they relied only on their own strength, showed pride, and the devil again laughed at us;

2) the determination to wage a constant struggle with anger. It is very difficult to overcome an old passion, but with the help of God it is possible. Only for this you need not look back and believe in the success of the planned business. Any passion not only torments a person, but delivers and pleasant sensations. Even, oddly enough, anger. This greatly interferes in the fight against passion, it is very difficult for a person to refuse the pleasantness of sin. He becomes related to him, and it is much easier for him to live with passion than to stand up for a merciless struggle with it. Demons begin to inspire us with thoughts: all the same, nothing will work out, it’s better not to even try, but to live as before - “not shaky, not roll.” That's what determination is needed for - to overcome the captivity of passion, laziness and other temptations.

You need to start the fight with prayer. People are usually very frightened by the amount of work they have planned, they do not believe that they will be able to cope with anger all their lives. So we don't think too much. Waking up in the morning, reading the morning rule, we will pray to God (we can do it in our own words) for deliverance from anger: “Lord, help me this day not to get irritated, not to get angry, not to condemn anyone, not to make empty remarks, etc.” Praying like this, we, firstly, ask God for help for the coming day, and secondly, we tune in to life without anger. So a day, two, a week passes, and then it gets easier, the skill of dealing with this sin is acquired. The most important thing is not to forget to start every morning with this prayer, and the Lord will definitely help.

It has already been said that anger terribly darkens the soul; after a quarrel, an outburst, irritable is tormented by pangs of conscience, he is haunted by a sense of shame, he would like to rewind time back and avoid a quarrel, but, alas, it is impossible to do this. Anyone who suffers from irascibility should constantly be on the alert, remember, especially when dealing with people, about his weakness. Remember when irritation sets in, which is usually caused by rash words and actions. It is necessary to be very careful, think a few steps ahead, figure out, calculate: what can I lose during an argument, a tense conversation, and even more so a quarrel. You can lose a lot: a peaceful disposition of the soul, good, peaceful relations with your neighbors, their respect, love. Love also leaves our heart when anger enters. All these are very big losses, and they are incomparable with the meager amount that can be obtained as a result of a quarrel and conflict. In order not to break big firewood, you need to learn to stop in time, remember about the great danger of anger and extinguish it in the bud, as soon as an unkind, irritated thought loomed on the horizon. In the beginning, anger is easy to deal with. If you do not stop in time, it will be very difficult to stop the element of anger.

Why do some people take pleasure in anger? Often break down, give vent to their negative emotions? The fact is that with anger there are sensations similar to those that a person receives in a moment of danger, excitement, for example, when he goes in for extreme sports. Adrenaline enters his bloodstream, his heart begins to beat faster, and his blood pressure rises. That is why the face of an angry person usually turns red. All this can give very strong emotions, make you experience some kind of euphoria. Although then the consequences of anger are very bitter. For angry intoxication comes the inevitable hangover. But anger also has one good quality: if you do not give it free rein and food, it quickly passes. The same adrenaline is able to stay in the blood only for a short time. If at the moment of anger you do not give him an outlet, pray or do something distracted, do some simple business, the outbreak will soon pass, and with it the desire to be angry.

Anger must not only be suppressed in oneself - this is ineffective: sooner or later it can break out, and with renewed vigor. It is necessary not only to fight it, but also to educate your soul. As the holy fathers, for example, St. Ignatius (Bryanchaninov), St. Theophan the Recluse, said - to drive out passions by planting opposite virtues in the soul. It is necessary to replace aggressive, angry thoughts with bright, kind, indulgent ones. Cultivate in yourself patience, peace of mind, gentleness and meekness.

Question : I'm not married, I'm 27 years old. I'm dating married man. His marriage has exhausted itself, with his wife he has a very bad relationship, the marriage actually ceased to exist, they only live together. They have children. For some reason, he cannot now divorce his wife, although he says that he wants to eventually get a divorce and marry me. I understand that it is a sin to have a connection with a not free person, but there is practically no marriage there, they do not love each other, but we have love.

Answer: There is such a good Russian proverb: "You cannot build a house with stolen goods." It is impossible to build a future family on crime, on sin. Everything will have to be paid for at some point. By the way, adultery, that is, adultery or fornication with a married man or woman, in ancient times was a real criminal offense among some peoples. According to the Old Testament law, the death penalty was due for him. Adultery is a grave sin. Church canons excommunicated him from communion, first for 15 years, then the Council of Ancyra, with its 20th canon, reduced the period of penance to 7 years. Why such strictness? Because people not only commit the sin of fornication, but also steal happiness from other people, destroy their families. And this is more than theft of valuables and property damage. You say that your friend has a bad relationship with his wife, their marriage is on the verge of divorce. Of course, such a situation does not arise immediately, it develops over the years, but it is not up to you to decide whether “their marriage has actually ceased to exist” or not. It's their business and only they can figure it out. How bad their relationship really is, only they know. Have you ever thought that this man, in principle, will never be able to solve his family problems while he continues to have a connection with you? It may very well be that if he had left you completely and irrevocably and would have decided to save the family, everything could have been different for him and his wife. I don’t know why he hasn’t divorced his wife yet, but one thing is clear: both of you are entangled in your relationship, like in networks, and the sooner you break this fruitless and sinful relationship, the better. Such relationships can drag on for years, people get more and more confused and come to a standstill, and time goes by. You are still a young woman, and such a situation does not allow you to arrange a normal family life, find true love, nor him to sort out his difficult family situation. Your current relationship cannot be called love in any way - it's just a fornication. Love involves responsibility for the one you love, but you don’t have it, you are already harming yourself.

And the last. Not only his wife will suffer from the fact that your acquaintance divorces his wife and leaves for you (and I think it will definitely suffer, no matter what relationship they have, because divorce is always material problems and the unenviable fate of a single mother), but also his children. And the divorce of parents for children is a huge trauma for life. The absence of a father in the family, a childhood spent without him, will certainly affect their entire future life. One of my friends divorced his first wife. Many years have passed, and one day, before the birthday, it’s already quite adult daughter, he asked her: “Daughter, what do you want as a gift?” And she said, "Just one, so that you and your mother can be together again."

Question : My husband and I have been married for many years, the children are already adults, they live separately. While the children lived with us, everything was more or less normal. Now he often scolds me, swears, drinks. How should I behave in this situation?

Answer: Your current family situation in psychology is called the “empty nest crisis”. At this stage, when children grow up, acquire their own families and leave their parental home, difficulties begin for many couples. Among my acquaintances, most often it was men who had a hard time experiencing a change in the family situation, they began to drink, fell into melancholy, despondency. This crisis is dangerous because the spouses are no longer young, it is not so easy for them to adapt to new conditions. While they were raising children together, taking care of them, they were united by this common cause, and when these worries were left in the past, they felt that what had united them, was the meaning of their family life, was gone from their lives. If the spouses have not built over the years life together good, warm relations, if they were united only by children and caring for them, they will have a hard time. However, there is no need to despair, because in every period of life there is something good, new, you just need to see it. You raised children together - you fulfilled your duty, now you have more free time. It must be used to good use in order to communicate more, improve relationships. Of course, it is not easy for both you and your husband now, but, apparently, it is more difficult for him now than for you. People drink, as a rule, not from a good life. His booze and aggressive behavior- a consequence of great internal difficulties. And you need to support him now. Men are very vulnerable and prone to depression. A man always expects compassion, understanding and sympathy from a woman. A woman from God is endowed with a big heart and the ability to console, inspire hope, confidence, and she can help a man. Now you need not to be offended by your husband, not to condemn him, but to think about how to survive the crisis period together with him. I want God's help!

Question : Our marriage is married, but my husband has been taking drugs and drinking for several years. In this state, he can beat me and the children. He is HIV positive and has been diagnosed with hepatitis. He is registered in the narcological dispensary. I am from the Lipetsk region, my husband is a Muscovite. We currently live in my husband's apartment. Of course, I really don’t want to move back to my parents in Lipetsk, but I can’t bear it anymore. Can I divorce my husband?

Answer: The situation in your family is very difficult, and I'm afraid that you simply need to part with your husband. Of course, divorce is an extreme measure, it is a very painful surgical operation, when the once united family organism disintegrates, dismembers. Surgery is resorted to as a last resort when all other methods of treatment are already useless. When a person is sick with gangrene, they can cut off the affected limb so that the disease does not spread further, does not affect the body. You need to think not only about yourself, but also about the children. A person under the influence of drugs does not control himself, he becomes obsessed with passion. If there have already been cases of beatings on you and your children, this will be repeated in the future, and someday a big disaster may happen. His addiction, his aggressive behavior and his illnesses can simply ruin your family.

Local Cathedral of the Russian Orthodox Church, chaired by His Holiness Patriarch Tikhon, in the "Determination on the reasons for the termination of the marriage union, consecrated by the Church", recognized, among some others, also consider as a reason for divorce "illness with leprosy or syphilis" and "encroachment on the life or health of a spouse or children ". The Jubilee Council of Bishops in 2000 supplemented the list of grounds for divorce with such reasons as AIDS, as well as medically certified alcoholism or drug addiction. As you can see, you have every reason to terminate church marriage.

Question : My wife is constantly dissatisfied with me, very often finds fault, screams, grumbles, can humiliate me. In this, she is very similar to her mother, who also commanded her husband all her life. She believes that I do very little for the home, for the family, that everything rests on her. Advise me how to behave? Now I try to have less contact with her in general, to find an outlet in some business outside the home and hobbies. But I feel that this is not a way out, we need to somehow solve this problem, but I don’t know how. Despite the fact that it is very difficult for me with her, I want to save my family: we have children.

Answer: Unfortunately, your situation is very typical. Spouses most often, when building their family and relationships in it, consciously or unconsciously, take the parental family and the relationship between father and mother as a basis. The fact that your half was brought up in a family where the wrong family hierarchy was built is not her fault, but a misfortune. I don’t know what family you grew up in, but in order to solve your problem and build the right relationship with your spouse, it’s very good for you to also delve into your childhood and also remember your parents. It often happens that a boy raised by a single mother (who, due to circumstances, had to be courageous, strong, taking on the role of both mother and father) or simply having an imperious, dominant mother, subsequently chooses a wife of the same type. Being a weak, insecure child in childhood, he, having already become a husband and father of a family, continues to practice the same style of behavior.

But back to your wife. Generally speaking, if a person has a difficult, unbearable, grumpy character, if they say about him: a difficult person, this indicates that he himself has very great internal spiritual difficulties and problems. Not only is it difficult for us with him, but, first of all, it is difficult and difficult for him, he cannot cope with his difficulties, does not know how to do it. And this results in aggression, conflict, constant discontent. Sometimes a woman with a strong, resolute character, having seen enough of her equally “powerful” mother, marries and immediately seeks to subdue her husband. Takes everything. She makes decisions, makes plans, implements them, commands her husband. The husband humbles himself, obeys, and then completely departs from important family affairs, giving all the reins of government to his wife. At first, the wife likes it all, she is quite satisfied with the role of the home commander. But then the big difficulties begin. It becomes difficult for her to drag everything alone, constantly make decisions and be responsible for all family affairs. Even though she made it herself. It seems to her that her husband has completely withdrawn from business, does nothing, almost does not help her. In addition, very often a spouse, exhausted by a grumpy wife, really strives to be at home less and communicate with his wife, which, of course, only aggravates the situation. The wife, like any woman, wants her husband to protect her, help solve problems, take care of her, start making decisions and generally take custody of her. And, of course, she expects attention from her husband to her difficulties. But he does not see any of this and, not knowing how to properly influence his faithful, begins to get angry, express claims, shout at him. When a person behaves like this, he shows his insecurity, wants to draw the attention of another to his problems and difficulties. Even the most powerful woman wants to be weak and defenseless, wants to be pitied, to be taken care of. A woman is tired of being strong. Usually a man understands all the reproaches, nit-picking and claims of his wife as the whims of an old woman from a fairy tale about goldfish: you need to quickly give her what she asks, just so that she falls behind and does not “saw” more. And for the wife, all these nit-picking and harassment are most often just a way to attract attention to herself, she wants to feel that her husband needs her, that he is taking care of her, showing attention to her, providing patronage and care. But, as a rule, she cannot formulate all this and clings to him for nothing. True, after such behavior of the wife, the husband no longer really wants to communicate with her. But this must be done, because the only way to influence your spouse and improve your relationship with her is to take care of your own growth as a man, as a person, as the head of the family, and also seriously take care of your wife. No matter how aggressively she behaves, it is very important to communicate with her calmly and kindly. You need to reassure her, inspire her confidence in you. You are a man, and a man must be strong. What does the apostle Paul tell us? “We must … bear the strong infirmities of the weak” (Rom. 15:1). Your wife is weak in this case. The reason for her behavior is self-doubt, insecurity and fatigue from the burden that she has taken on herself.

Of course, your difficult family situation has evolved over the years, and it will not be possible to change it in the blink of an eye. But subject to your correct male behavior, I'm sure the character of his wife will change for the better. The most important thing is not to be offended by her, but to support, reassure, treat her with understanding.

Question : My husband and I live in Moscow, in a small two-room apartment, together with his mother. Mom is retired, already a very elderly woman, but she serves herself well, she does not need care. It is very difficult for us to live with her, not only for me, but also for my husband; We constantly quarrel with her, swear. I don’t work now, because my husband is against it, I don’t have children yet. I do not know what to do. I no longer have the strength to live with my mother-in-law, to live separately is not possible, since I still have to pay debts on loans.

Answer: Yes, the housing problem is still very acute in our capital, and yet Gilyarovsky wrote about a large shortage of housing in Moscow. I sympathize with your problem: indeed, living with your husband's parents is not very easy. It can be seen that with your mother-in-law, probably due to her old age and other reasons, it is difficult to get along, since even her own son cannot find a common language with her. As a rule, when people begin to live separately, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mother-in-law and son-in-law improves. Families, having parted, begin to visit each other, communicate, and provide mutual assistance. The only question is how to do it. Buying housing in Moscow now is affordable only for very wealthy people. But even in your situation, I think there are ways to live separately from your mother-in-law. If you don’t have children yet and you don’t work anywhere, you need to try to persuade your husband to let you go to work, then money will appear, and your family will be able to rent, if not a one-room apartment, then at least a room. Sometimes living even in a communal apartment is easier than constantly quarreling with her husband's relatives. If you get a job, it will already be easier for you. You'll be distracted and run into less of your husband's mom. In the meantime, you two are constantly in the same apartment, clashes are inevitable, besides, as I understand it, she also does not work anywhere and sits at home. Of course, whoever seeks will find. Even in Moscow, you can eventually solve your housing problem. For example, to exchange a “kopeck piece” for a one-room apartment and a room, or for a “one-room apartment” with a surcharge; to buy housing not in the capital, but in the nearest suburbs. You can take out a mortgage with this money… But you never know what other options exist! Consult with people literate in this area.

But the most important thing: no matter where you live, together with your mother-in-law or separately from her, your relationship will improve only when you do not perceive her as a personal enemy, but treat her with respect and understanding.

Question : I had a relationship with a married woman three years ago. Then I found out that a child was born - a girl. I was also married then. I am now divorced and have children. I very much repent of this sin, I confessed it to the priest. I feel great guilt before the child and this woman. Can I do something for them as the father of a child, provide some help? It must be said that the husband of this woman does not know that the girl is not from him, and he is raising the child as his own. Both spouses work, and the family is, in principle, well provided for.

Answer: I think the best thing you can do is never show up in these people's lives again. Firstly, you can harm the child, and he is definitely not to blame for anything. Secondly, harm a woman. When meeting with you, former feelings may arise in her soul and former passions may awaken; thus, you will lead her into temptation again. And, finally, thirdly, you can destroy the family. As folk wisdom says, "not the mother who gave birth, but the one who raised." The same can be said about the father. If the husband considers the child his own, and the girl loves him as her own father, is attached to him, you have no right to interfere in their lives. He is her father, not you. You committed an irresponsible act at one time, but the child is not to blame for this, he has the right to a happy childhood. In this case, knowledge of the true state of things can greatly damage these people, before whom you are already guilty. I think that trying to see the child or somehow participate in his fate, even when she becomes an adult, is by no means necessary. This, again, can cause mental trauma to a person.

We must ask God for forgiveness for this sin and create fruits worthy of repentance. If you say that the child does not need anything, you can help other children who need it. For example, to help an orphanage or a family where a mother is raising children without a father and is in a difficult situation. Many children need help, for example, in large families or in children's hospitals, where sometimes the most necessary things are not enough for treatment. Also, of course, you need to make every effort to raise your other children in faith and piety.

(To be continued.)

We say that the main thing in Christianity is love; indeed, God is love, as the Apostle writes. Love is more important than rituals, love is more important than theological subtleties, love is more important than anything. With this our non-church interlocutors willingly agree; but I would draw attention to the fact that there is a cultural misunderstanding here - the Apostle and the average modern person, when they say "love", mean somewhat different things.

The sayings “love is most important” or, as St. Augustine said, “love God and do what you want” are true in their biblical and ecclesiastical context. However, for people outside this context, they can be confusing.

This misunderstanding has several symptoms. One of them is the talk about the fact that the requirements imposed by the church faith, both in the field of behavior and in the field of confession, can be neglected - the main thing is to love God and people. It doesn't matter how much you follow the biblical prescriptions, say, in the area of ​​family life; even less important is whether you confess Jesus Christ as the true God, just a good man, an avatar, a "great initiate", a tragically misunderstood rabbi or someone else. It is important that you love God and people.

The misunderstanding associated with the word "love" can be illustrated by the following everyday example. A married man fell in love with an employee at work; no, this is not a fleeting attack of lust, this is precisely amore grande, the union of two hearts, Love (with a capital letter) for life.

You've almost certainly seen something like this. In this case, the words "act according to love" will mean exactly the opposite things for the church Christian and for the non-church person; for some, “acting for love” will mean leaving the wife and indulging in a new feeling, for others, staying with the wife, and crushing the feeling with an untrembling hand. Those non-church people who will insist that it is still impossible to leave a wife (or cheat on her) will appeal to decency, a sense of duty, responsibility, but not to love. Indeed, the quality that keeps a married man from getting carried away new love, would be described in secular language as "decency". In the biblical context, this is precisely love, love for God and man.

In the secular sense, "love" refers to feelings; it is an emotional experience, an experience in relation to which the person himself is a passive rather than an active person.

In ordinary language, the command to love another person would sound strange and incomprehensible; on the contrary, it is often said that "you can't command your heart." "I fell in love" sounds like "I have heat»; "I'm going through an experience that I can't cause and have very little control over." This is true not only in relation to romantic love: when it comes to friendly affection, some people are “likeable”, others are not.

The Lord, on the contrary, addresses us with the command to love: love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind: this is the first and greatest commandment; the second is like it: love thy neighbor as thyself; on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets(Matt 22 :37-40).

There are commands of the moralist - do this; there are commands of the Creator, by which He calls to life a new reality or restores what was destroyed by sin. When the Lord speaks in the Gospel to a man already decaying in the tomb, Lazarus come out(In 11 :43), it's not just about commanding, it's about giving new life.

A Christian is a person whom Christ brings out of the tomb of his former life, a life in which he was estranged from God, to a new life, a life in which it is revealed to a person that God loved him and, long before his birth, planned his salvation. As the Apostle says, And we have come to know the love that God has for us, and we have believed in it. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him(1 Jn 4 :16).

Love in the Christian understanding is a reflection of God's love, a reflection of His saving presence in our lives. Such love is rooted not in our changing moods, but in the eternal and unchanging love of God; the unconditional fidelity, long-suffering, and forgiveness that Christians are called to show in dealing with people is a reflection of His faithfulness, long-suffering, and forgiveness. Therefore, imitate God, as beloved children(Eph 5 :1), says the Apostle Paul.

However, such adherence to Christ and imitation of His love means work, and, as Scripture and patristic literature often say, a feat. We are a sinful people and will be completely freed from sin only in the life of the age to come; we live in a society and culture in which much bears the stamp of sin and opposition to God. Therefore we are commanded elect love and obedience to God, to follow not our moods or feelings - which may be dictated by the imperfection of our nature or the pressure of the external environment - but the new life that Christ gives us.

In secular language, the phrase “love is most important” is perceived as “the most important thing is to have warm, pleasant feelings towards God or people”; if you experience such feelings (and there is nothing more vague and optional than such feelings), then the troubling question of a relationship with God can be considered removed. I have love, and this is the main thing; and all sorts of dogmas, rituals and going to the Church - this is an incomprehensible and unnecessary formalism.

It is clear that the Christians did not mean this at all; this is a misunderstanding. In fact, the Apostles are not talking about feelings, but about something else.

Love consists in that we act according to His commandments.(2 Jn 1 :6).

However, when we talk about commandments, we run into another misunderstanding; now the word "commandments" or even "ten commandments", as a rule, does not mean "the commandments found in the Holy Scriptures", but something like "the norms of the community accepted in our culture." Since the "norms of the community", like "universal morality", are very, very vague concepts, it is impossible to understand whether I observe them or not.

It is very easy to decide that I am observing - and, therefore, everything is in order with the commandments.

However, the "commandments of God" and "universal morality" are not the same thing. They intersect - but do not coincide, moreover, they rest on different foundations. The first commandment of ten says:

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage; may you have no other gods before me(Ex 20 :2-3).

Commandments are given within the framework of the Covenant, the special relationship that God establishes with His people. A person who is outside of these relationships can be an honest citizen, a caring family man, and a conscientious worker - but one cannot say that he keeps the commandments. He does not comply with the very first of them.

There are other commandments that cannot be classified as “universal” — for example, the command of Christ to celebrate the Eucharist in His remembrance:

And he took bread and gave thanks, and broke it and gave it to them, saying, This is my body, which is given for you; do this in remembrance of me. Likewise the cup after supper, saying, This cup [is] the New Testament in my blood, which is shed for you.(OK 22 :19-20).

This is also a commandment; And about her, too, the Lord said:

If you love me, keep my commandments(In 14 :15).

Yes, love for Christ, as He Himself defines it, presupposes going to the Church and participating in the Eucharist. It also presupposes—let's say that terrible word—dogmatics. The simplest appeal to Christ with a prayer: “Lord, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner” already implies the confession of Him as the Omniscient (that is, able to hear prayer) Lord and Judge - that is, God. You can, of course, refuse to say such a prayer, but in this case your decision will be no less "dogmatic" - only connected with other dogmas.

Recently, another misunderstanding must be noted connected with the word “love”, a misunderstanding when the Church itself is declared not only alien, but also hostile to love. Actually, there is nothing unusual in the fact that popular philosophies and simply the mood of the masses, political and religious movements are looking for a way to either destroy the Church or remake it for themselves. The Church is a rock against which the waves are constantly roaring - it was so in the 1st century, and so it remains in the 21st. In different eras, this was done under different slogans - the Church was attacked in the name of the fatherly gods, in the name of reason and science, in the name of blood and race, in the name of justice and a brighter future, now we see how the Church is attacked, according to the attackers, in the name of love . Traditional churches don't ordain women as bishops? They do it out of hatred for women! Does the Church view abortion as a sin? Where is the love for the unfortunate victims of circumstance? Does the Church not ordain and marry among themselves those who stubbornly adhere to the sin of Sodom? The Church must repent of hatred towards sexual minorities!

One could consider all this just propaganda - how many of us who found the communists heard anti-church slogans - but for many of our contemporaries this sounds convincing. Why? I think this is due to some features of modern - both Western and ours - culture. In relation to how this culture sees love, one can say in the words of K.G. Chesterton - it gives out partial truth for absolute. In the Church, this is what is called heresy. In our time we are dealing with a heresy that reduces love to consolation. There is some truth in it - and even a very large part of it. As the prophet says, comfort, comfort my people(Is 40 :1), while the Apostle commands Christians to comfort the faint-hearted (1 Thessalonians 5:14). The gospel is a good word, a comforting word; Christians are called to support and encourage people who are discouraged in the face of the evil and suffering of this world. Moreover, the gospel is an announcement of the forgiveness of sins, and its consolation extends to everyone - no matter how low one falls, no matter how grievously a person sins, there is hope for him, and a place is prepared for him at the Royal Feast - a feast at which he too called to enter by repentance and faith. It is no coincidence that both in the liturgical texts of the Church and in the lives of the saints, the motif of a man who lived badly, even criminally, but then became a saint through repentance, is constantly repeated.

We are all sinful, mortal people, wounded by our own and other people's sins, and we deeply need consolation; and comfort is exactly what people tend to seek in the Church in the first place. There is nothing wrong with this, they refer to the address - but this is easily mistaken. Love can manifest itself not only in consolation. Love can deeply upset. Love can even crush.

An example can be given from an area quite far from spiritual life. Once I watched several editions of the British program “Put back your The biological clock". The program features British inhabitants, men and women, committed to wine and beer, fatty foods, a sedentary lifestyle, nervous at work and through this very similar to Moscow inhabitants of their own years - fat, pale and emaciated. They come to the doctor, who, after examining them with various instruments, shows how their lifestyle has destroyed - and continues to destroy - their body, and why their hope of living at least 80 years is not destined to come true. Deeply shocked, dejected and frightened patients cry right in front of the camera. After that, they are explained that they urgently need to change their lifestyle, diligently engage in physical education, stop drinking, and so on - then they will avoid premature death. Patients follow these guidelines, which is why their health, appearance and mental health improved markedly.

Note, however, that at first the doctor says extremely unpleasant things to these people. An unfriendly spectator could say that people are being intimidated, they are told that their way of life is wrong, they are shown pictures on the monitor screen that should cause disgust and fear, they are assured that they will die if they do not heed the instructions of the doctors. Moreover, by assuring that anyone can turn from fast food to healthy eating and from lying on the couch to jogging, they instill in those who have not converted feelings of inferiority, shame, guilt, and social inferiority. Some people say exactly that.

However, I am inclined to think that doctors are doing their duty and acting out of love - although their words do not bring much comfort to patients at first.

Another example, alas, familiar to many - when your friend or relative becomes an inveterate drunkard, he, as a rule, perceives any of your attempts to help him as a bitter insult - with hostility. In his opinion, you should not moralize him or tell him what to do or not do, you should "help" him in any way he wants. He believes that his problem is not that he drinks, but that he is surrounded by callous, cold people who do not want to accept him for who he is.

Even when it comes to such a very specific and understandable thing as health, love does not always mean consolation. In the Bible, however, it is about much more important and complex things - about our eternal destiny. And many words of the Prophets and the Lord himself sound very harsh - if you do not repent, you will all perish in the same way(OK 13 :3). A person has a real choice with real consequences - not only in relation to diet and lifestyle, but also in relation to eternity. If a person chooses the path of death, this path will lead him there. And the word of God insistently - and at times sharply - admonishes him to turn away from this path. Moreover, the psalmist - and with him every Christian - turns to God with a prayer for reproof: Test me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts; and see if I am on a dangerous path, and guide me to the eternal path(Ps 138 :23-24).

Why do modern people want only consolation from the Church and consider any denunciation, any indication of sin as a manifestation of “lack of love” or even “hatred”? This is related to one important feature modern culture is a culture without hope. A person of this culture is able to agree that the doctor has the right to speak unpleasant truths - we are talking about such a tangible value as health. Maybe if he listens to the doctors and changes his way of life, he will live twenty years longer. But for something greater man does not hope; in his world there is no place for eternal life, for paradise, for joy, the distant reflections of which would make one tremble at the hope of gaining it and horrified at the thought that it can be lost. All that exists is a short period of time allotted by nature, during which the inevitable aging process will take away first physical attractiveness, then health, and then life itself. If there is nothing else to hope for, it remains to look for some comfort, some affordable pleasures and some kind of consolation that can be obtained within these narrow limits. And when a person is confronted with the conviction of sin, he sees only that he is depressed and upset and is not able to understand why. It is from this culture of hopelessness that today's demands on the Church come - give us a little comfort, a little support, a little warmth, and get behind us with demands to somehow change our lives. Are you saying that the Church has no comfort for us until we agree to repent, to change our behavior, or at least our attitude towards this behavior? Oh, what callousness and lack of love!

And here it is necessary to ask a person - even if not to turn, but just to see the Church in her own perspective. We must try to imagine for a moment: what is said in the Gospel is true. Imagine that the words of Jesus Christ are true, and true for each of us personally. The Church stands by the fact that eternal salvation is a reality that surpasses any other reality. It's not a convention, it's not fiction, it's not role-playing game, not a set of ritual phrases inherited from a long-dead past. Eternal salvation or eternal death, inexpressible joy or inexpressible horror - this is what each of us rushes towards at a speed of sixty seconds a minute.

The Church proclaims psychological help and not self-training. The Church proclaims eternal salvation in Christ, eternal life that we can forever gain—or forever lose.

We are strangers and strangers, our home is in Heaven; on the road, we can have both joy and consolation, but only in so far as all this does not interfere with Paul the main goal - our return to the heavenly Fatherland. The apostle compares the life of a Christian to the training of an athlete. Do you not know that all who run in the race run, but one is rewarded? So run to get. All ascetics abstain from everything: those in order to receive a crown of perishability, and we - incorruptible. And that is why I do not run as if I were wrong, I do not fight in such a way that I only beat the air; but I subdue and enslave my body, so that, having preached to others, I myself will not be unworthy(1 Cor 9 :24-27).

The athlete exposes himself to grueling workouts and various hardships, he follows a regimen, a diet, he denies himself in many ways - because he has a goal. He wants to take the prize. Any conscientious coach who helps him in this will, as they say, "strain" - demand to do something and refuse something.

If a person does not believe in any prize, all these labors and hardships will seem to him complete nonsense; in fact, in this case they are nonsense. But then there is absolutely no need to join the team.

The Christian knows that at the end of the journey—and the journey can be very difficult—there is joy beyond all understanding. He knows where he is heading, he has a goal. The restrictions that a Christian accepts are related to this purpose. If you do not believe in any kind of eternal salvation, then it is likely that these restrictions will seem completely meaningless to you. If all we have is earthly life, and then they bury us and burdock grows, it remains only to take care to live our days as comfortably as possible, avoiding inconvenience and suffering, since no other consolations are foreseen.

Of course, following your desires often turns into excruciating disappointment and bitterness already here on Earth, but we will still eat and drink, for tomorrow we will die - and let the Church not spoil our mood with her talk about truth, temperance and future judgment. But in this case, the Church will simply cease to believe in the Gospel and, consequently, cease to be the Church. Why would she need it at all? The Church bears witness to the truth: “There is a way of life and there is a way of death, and there is a great difference between them (Didache 1 :1)". The church does it out of love. On the contrary, the words “love is the main thing, the rest is unimportant” turn into a convenient excuse to deprive yourself of both faith and a true relationship with God, and, of course, love itself.

The trouble is that people tend to fall into this misunderstanding again and again; as Aslan says in Lewis: “O children of Adam, how you know how to defend yourself against everything that is good for you!”.

Question #1091

How serious is the sin of living with a married man?

Olga , Tyumen, Russia
02/12/2003

Hello father Oleg!
I would like to know how serious is my sin?
I live in a civil marriage with a married man named Eugene.
We love each other very much. We want to get married and get married. The first time he did not get married, and indeed he was not baptized at all, since in his wife's family all atheists, and besides, there are grandmothers who are fond of black magic.
When we began to live together, after a while we felt that something was wrong with us. We began to quarrel often, sleep badly, and there was a feeling that someone was imposing bad thoughts. We suffered for a long time until we found out that we were spoiled (his wife). We immediately went to church. I very often prayed to God to forgive her and forgive us and allow us to be together. I suggested to Zhenya to be baptized. He said that he had been thinking about it for a long time and that this was a very responsible step. I talked a lot with him about God, about faith, about the church, and one day he told me that he was ready for this and wanted to be baptized. He was baptized. Now we're fine.
After his divorce, we want to get married. This offer came from him, he really wants it, I do too, because I am a believer.
You may ask: why, if I am a believer, did I even allow such a situation when a husband leaves his wife? I will answer that if i knew everything at the moment when she left her city and her loved ones to be with her loved one, she would never do it. Zhenya knew that I was an honest person and therefore did not tell me the whole truth so that I would not leave him. I only knew that he was married , but has not lived with his wife for a long time and that she has her own well-established life. When I found out the truth it was too late, I could no longer go back, my love was already so strong that I forgave him, and at the same time took the sin . Later, Zhenya realized that he had sinned by telling me a lie, but he explained this by the fact that he was afraid to lose me. Now we go to church and atone for sins and ask God to let us be together. Despite all the circumstances, I it seems that God is merciful to us. After all, starting a new life in a new city without money and without a roof over your head is very difficult. But gradually everything began to improve. We successfully found a job, rented an apartment, now everything is going well. His relatives treat me very well, they understand Zhenya. Even his daughter fell in love with me, she visits us with pleasure and we have a good time together. She is already dreaming that when she finishes school, she will come to live with us to study at the institute. Zhenya is very happy that he got to know me, he says that he wants to be better, cleaner with me, and he wants to be closer to the church.
Father Oleg, please tell me if we get married in a church, will our union be sinful ?
Save God! Olga.

Father Oleg Molenko's answer:

Your letter is contradictory. It is I who have italicized and bolded some passages in your letter. You only need to look at these places to see the answer. You yourself raise the question - how heavy is your sin. The fact that there is a sin is not a question for you, because you feel it and admit it. Actually, it is this feeling of the gravity of sin that makes you look for a way out and help from outside. At the same time, out of passionate attachment to the sinner, you are trying in every possible way to justify yourself and convince yourself and me that, despite sin, the Lord God is on your side and shows mercy to your "union". It remains, they say, the external design for God - to be baptized to the unbaptized (which has already been done), to atone for sin and get married.

But if you are doing so well, then why ask me (or someone else)? Where does the awareness of sin and the feeling of guilt come from? After all, you yourself decided to sin and declared that you were taking the sin upon yourself. Now you are carrying it and its consequences (internal torment), with external well-being. Or maybe this "well-being" is just evidence that God left you for violating His commandments.

It is not for us to judge Eugene's wife. But the indisputable fact is that he has a marriage and the fruit of marriage is a daughter. It is possible, of course, to get a divorce on paper, but the daughter will not disappear from this, as it has never been. You can make friends with your daughter, but this will not cover sin, and God's commandment that one who marries (or marries) a divorced woman (for a divorced one) commits adultery cannot be abolished. And if you can not unite with a divorced or divorced (and you are still only striving for this), then what can be said about an open union with a married man? Even the ancients could not have imagined such a thing! It's like burying a man alive in the ground!

So, you not only sinned mutually, but also live in unceasing sin, violating the commandment of the Savior. That marriage was destroyed by treachery, but the new one will not be established from this, since it is based on sin, violation of the commandments of the Lord and lies. Apparently, Eugene's wife is not at all happy that he left and began to live with a cohabitant. She is an unbeliever and does not know the laws of Christ. But her promises, and perhaps even seeking help from those skilled in magic in order to bring damage to your "union", speak of her extreme discontent and revenge for the theft of her husband. But you can’t steal not only from good and believing people, but from everyone without exception! Otherwise, what kind of believers are you.

How could you go for a connection with a married man if you knew that he was married? Let him deceive you about his wife, that she, they say, arranged her life and is happy, but you knew the main thing - he is married. Nevertheless, she took sin upon her soul. What kind of love with mortal sin in half can we talk about? Is it from God? No, no and NO! Such love is not from God, and it is not love, but demonic passion, which led to the loss of the fear of God.

Is it possible to pray for this sin and receive forgiveness from God? It is possible, but only with the correction of what has been done and with true repentance. The fix is ​​that you should separate once and for all and mourn your grave sins and crazy deeds. It is impossible to build a godly marriage on lies and sin. The true Church cannot marry you, i.e. put on a crown for adultery! Although today you can find a "priest" in the apostate church structure, who will "marry" you for money, thereby aggravating your and his sin.

It was necessary not to hurry with this union. Yevgeny had to divorce his wife in advance on legal grounds for the Church (and divorce from a stubborn unbeliever, and even more so an ally of the dark forces, is quite acceptable according to church standards). It was necessary not to lie to God and to each other, even out of false fear of losing. Now you really have lost each other forever. You can ignore my answer as not desired by you and continue to live together in "welfare" and "love" and "happiness". Only you will never get closer to God and the Church. God does not listen to your prayers and requests, for you cannot deceive Him or persuade Him to cancel the commandment for you. After death, eternal torment awaits you, for adulterers will not inherit the Kingdom of God. And in this life, the sin you have sown will definitely make itself known.

I advise you to repent, reform and aspire to eternity.

Today, more and more often from couples living without registering their relationship, and even more so without a wedding, one can hear: "We are in a civil marriage." And if such a couple is reproached for fornication, she will be very surprised and offended: “After all, we have a marriage !!!” Parents also turn a blind eye to such “marriages”, believing that this “test of family life” will teach their children a lot, who then, having experience, will enter into a real marriage. So is it marriage or fornication? After all, we are accustomed to consider fornication a random change of sexual partners, and here he and she live together for years. And can these marriages be considered civil? What is in general civil marriage And how does the Church treat him? And why does he unequivocally condemn such cohabitation as fornication, in what he sees sin and danger here?

Fornication is not marriage, but the opposite of marriage

A position contrary to God-revealed moral teaching is the shielding of one’s “right to debauchery”

“Fornication is not a preparation for marriage, but a state opposite to it,” St. John Chrysostom defined. What is good and what is bad in this world is not determined by man, but God established and reveals to us. The area of ​​grave sins may seem attractive only to those who have not yet recognized the existence in the world of created free-reasoning beings of the moral law established by the Creator. It clearly follows from it that for aspiring to inherit Eternal Life there are two carnal states: innocence-purity-widowhood or married marriage. Discussions with contemporaries are inevitable here, but every position that is contrary to God-revealed moral teaching will be an attempt to defend one's "right to debauchery."

– Relations between a man and a woman we call the sin of fornication, if for some reason believers enter into such relationships, ignoring their church registration. But! If at the time of entering into such a relationship both were unbelievers, but then one of them believed, and the other did not, and the relationship persists, then something different takes place here. We read: “If any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she agrees to live with him, then he should not leave her; and a wife who has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to live with her, must not leave him ”(1 Cor. 7: 12-13). It is quite obvious that since one of this union is an unbeliever, there could be no question of church marriage. However, the man and woman in this passage from the letter of the apostle Paul are referred to as "husband" and "wife"!

If the second spouse also believes, they will be able to formalize their relationship according to church rules. We read: “Also, you wives, obey your husbands, so that those of them who do not obey the word (that is, do not believe in the Gospel. - prot. O.S.), were acquired by the life of their wives without a word, when they see your pure, God-fearing life ”(1 Pet. 3: 1-2). It turns out that such a situation is not a challenge to the pure and God-fearing life of the believing half.

Violation of the laws established by God leads to dire consequences

– Premarital carnal relations (cohabitation) the Church defines as the sin of fornication. Why? But before answering this question, let's define what sin is. Sin is a violation of the law given by God. The Lord is the Creator of the Universe, the Creator of physical laws, the laws of chemistry, but also the Creator of spiritual laws. We know that physical laws cannot be broken. You can believe in them, you can not believe, you can study these laws and know them, or you can not know them, but at the same time they will still affect you. For example, the law of Archimedes. If you take a bathtub filled to the brim with water, then when you sit down, the water displaced by your body will splash onto the floor, and you will have to collect it with a rag so that it does not leak to your neighbors. Believe it or not, Archimedes' law works objectively. Or, for example, the law of gravity. If you break it, if you don’t take gravity into account, you, leaving the window of the 3rd floor, will fly down, break your bones - this is in best case and at worst, you'll be beaten to death. Here the consequences of your ignorance and unbelief will be tragic.

The laws of the spiritual world "work" in the same way. They are set forth in the Holy Scriptures. What are the commandments about the family? Don't cheat on your family, don't commit adultery. Also, honor your father and your mother. And if you violate these laws, you will certainly - with a 100 percent guarantee - have to pay for it.

The Scriptures repeatedly condemn the sin of fornication. The Apostle Paul says: Fornicators will not inherit the Kingdom of God. It is understandable if they do not repent and change their lives. It is also said that a fornicating person becomes one body with a harlot, that is, by participating in this sin, he defiles his body. Why is this sin so serious that it is called one of the deadly sins? The fact is that all relationships between a man and a woman are allowed and blessed by God only in one case: when they are performed in a lawful way - I emphasize! - marriage. Why do these relationships exist? For the birth of children - in the first place. Secondly, as an expression of love - so that the husband and wife become one, including bodily. And this mutual carnal attraction helps spouses to cope with the problems that arise in family life. But all this is done only in a legal marital union. All other “unions” are for sinful pleasures.

Premarital cohabitation does not lead to childbearing, because childbearing in such a relationship is avoided like the plague. The result is the infertility of the woman, because she had several abortions, drank the strongest contraceptives for several years. Women avoid pregnancy in such unions also because they understand perfectly well that the child will be illegitimate, and in the event of some dramatic turns or if the “father” refuses him, try to prove paternity.

It's hard to be faithful to someone who has had previous experience of infidelity.

I would like to give just one example (and there are many) illustrating how the sin of fornication does not allow a person to create a family later, destroys his life. One of my acquaintances was very proud that he didn’t use drugs, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, but he had a very serious passion: he was very lovingly addicted, and now he had “love” with one girl, then with another, then with a third . And so he decided to end one of the cohabitations with a legal marriage: his beloved became pregnant. But after some time, this woman left him - she did not need "strong bonds." And now that person suffers a lot, because his ex does not let him near the child, and he cannot create a normal family. Why? Because a person in marriage miraculously does not change. And if he is used to fornication, not to deny himself anything, he will cheat on his wife. All these previous connections have a very serious effect. Why does the apostle Paul say that whoever commits fornication becomes one body with a harlot? Because this sinful connection will always be with him, it will be difficult for him to be faithful if there was a previous negative experience - the experience of infidelity. It is not for nothing that the Church speaks of the sin of fornication!

The premarital period is given to a person as a period of chastity. That is why the bride is called the “bride”, that is, the unknown husband. People should find their happiness in a legitimate family.

Why else is premarital cohabitation a great sin? Because, firstly, such relationships are extremely irresponsible. Entering into them, people do not think to be responsible for the consequences of these relationships. This is similar to how a person, without a license, without documents for a car, takes a car and drives it, breaking the rules, while he knows that it is impossible to catch him, and if he commits, for example, an accident, he will simply leave the car and run away. So it is in premarital cohabitation. Although, I think the consequences here are much more severe. Yes, irresponsible flight is not punished here, but, in my opinion, this is no less a crime than committing an accident, even if another person was injured as a result of it. To abandon a woman who trusted you with a child born of you, to abandon your child is a greater crime. Someone will say that, having lived in marriage, a man leaves his wife and children. But still, in marriage, this happens much less often, and a person will think a hundred times before deliberately destroying his family. Yes, and in marriage, the law is on the side of a woman with a child, and in court a negligent father can be held very responsible. Cohabitation, I repeat, is very irresponsible. But its consequences, including spiritual ones, are very destructive.

Intimate relationships without marriage are always distrust of each other

- Fornication is not only promiscuity with just anyone, but also the admission of intimate relationships to legal marriage. This is the same as coming to someone's dinner and immediately start eating, without waiting for others, guided only by the fact that you are hungry. It is a premature taste of what is appropriate only in its time and place. However, it is rather difficult to explain this, if people are used to living like this.

Usually in the world such relationships are called civil marriage. And young people, in a sense, console themselves with the fact that they will live “for the time being”, and in which case they are “not connected by anything”. This “not connected by anything” already shows that there is nothing serious in these relations: this is not a marriage and not a family. Yes, they themselves know that if they don’t like something, they will scatter in different sides.

Intimate relationships without marriage are always mistrust to each other. Partners are preparing their way to retreat in advance, but at the same time they are already in a hurry to enjoy bodily intimacy. It is also a sign of doubt. Doubt is a clear sign of ignorance, and its fair expression is the phrase: “What if it doesn’t work out? What if he (she) leaves me? Such ignorance means that "their" souls have not yet become one, although "they" already want to merge into a single body. Doubt is an expression of inner vague feelings, uncertainty. It’s like you are in a thick fog, when nothing is visible at arm’s length, and therefore you don’t see if your future wife is right next to you. All this speaks of one thing - the young man and the girl have not yet come to an inner unity, the heart suggests self-deception, and therefore "they" do not sign just in case.

Authentic marriage involves mutual responsibility and commitment. In intimate extramarital relationships, mutual responsibility is reduced to a minimum, and the knowledge of each other is accomplished by almost a single measure - the measure of one's own bed. Ultimately, all this means that the guy and the girl have not found a true unity of souls, why they are not sure of each other and are afraid to enter into a legal marriage, but at the same time they already want to enjoy mutual bodily virtues, and then “maybe how it goes.” And get cohabitation on the basis of external sympathy in the complete absence of internal kinship.

At the same time, there are statistics according to which men living in such relationships, for the most part, consider themselves single, while women, on the contrary, consider themselves married. That is, men soberly see the situation, but believe that they can do it anyway, and women naively pursue the dream of a good family, but see a family where it does not exist.

It is a pity to see how many years pass for people in such relationships, but in the end they are left with nothing. They themselves eventually realize that they did wrong, but often this conclusion comes too late.

Fornication is rebellion against God

Corrupting one's own or someone else's body - this "small temple of God" - is a sin against God's establishment about us

– Many do not understand at all what “mortality”, the severity of the sin of fornication, is. They say, "What's wrong with that? We do not offend anyone, we do everything by mutual agreement, peacefully ... "So, in order to realize the severity of this sin, you need to remember the words of the Apostle Paul that each of us is a "temple of the Holy Spirit", that is, we are called to live in such a way that God dwelt in us as in a temple. And whoever corrupts the temple of God, the apostle continues, the Lord will destroy the life of that person. Why? But let's think about it: is it a small matter to desecrate a temple or not? Of course, this is a great sin. This is how to corrupt your own or someone else's body - this "small temple" - this is a sin against God's decree about us, a rebellion against God. And what will not be a rebellion, what will be in accordance with His will? And this is, first of all, the fulfillment of the commandment of legal marriage, and the beginning of legal marriage, oddly enough, is supposed to be in human law, but in accordance with the law of God, that is, marriage is a legal combination of a man and a woman, associated with responsibility to society and each other . And responsibility implies the priority of duty over transient feelings, desires and moods. This is very important to understand. Responsibility!

They sometimes say: “But why do we need this stamp in the passport? What difference does it make whether it exists or not? I always ask again: “Is there any difference?” “Of course not,” they reply. "Absolutely not?" - I ask again. - "Exactly." “Well then, go and put this seal!” And right there, just in the blink of an eye, it turns out that there is still a difference, because some kind of hitch begins, and then self-justification and explanations ... And why? Yes, because that very “seal” means a greater degree of responsibility, and it is precisely the responsibility enshrined in law that distinguishes marriage from fornication.

But the state should also be responsible for compliance with the law, and this is a very important topic, because some 150 years ago, if a man left his wife with children without the guilt of adultery, he was first prescribed a lot of batogs, and if he doesn’t come to his senses exiled to Siberia. Or, at least, he had to pay such “compensation” for his sin that he would think a hundred times whether he should go “to the side” or not. And public opinion was very strict about such behavior, so that the one who destroyed his family later found himself in many ways in the role of an outcast.

If we talk about the church approach, then St. Basil the Great has a rule at all, according to which a person who caused the destruction of his own family should no longer marry as having corrected and not preserved what was entrusted to him by God. And St. Basil says wonderful words that fornication is “not marriage and not even the beginning of marriage,” precisely because it is lawless. So no matter how one wants to interpret, marriage is precisely the legal cohabitation of a man and a woman, in accordance with the rules of the church dispensation of life.

And the next necessary degree of “churching” of marital relations is their blessing in the sacrament of the wedding. Just as a person's life - spiritual and bodily - needs to be replenished spiritually, so married life needs spiritual replenishment when the goal of marriage becomes the achievement of the Kingdom of Heaven both by the spouses themselves and by children, if the Lord grants children. This is the cross that must be carried, following Christ, and the "rejection" of which means truly catastrophe. It's sad that few understand this.

Cohabitation before marriage is an escape from saving sorrows

- The word "fornication" is similar in meaning to the word "wandering." And wandering is the loss of the road, wasting time not on going to the goal, but on the wrong road. Wandering is always wasted time and energy. And fornication is spiritual wandering.

And the only “benefit” of fornication, so to speak, is the understanding that it is impossible to do this, the knowledge that cohabitation outside of marriage does not bring happiness, love, but devastates the soul.

The merciful Lord created us for love, happiness and salvation into eternal life. And shows us the shortest way to them. Roads may be different for each person, but the goal of the path is the same for everyone. And they show us the direction of the commandment of the Lord, they also tell us how to make the road easier for us, and what - or rather Who - and how it helps us. And how to get this help more.

The family is one of the roads to salvation. And there are signs on this road: what speed to go, where to stop, where to turn, and where is a dead end. Here is a dead end is cohabitation outside of marriage. For many reasons. Love comes through sorrow. “We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). And cohabitation outside of marriage is just an attempt to find for oneself the path with the least sorrows, convenient for oneself. "Try". Do not marry yet, and if it is difficult, quickly run away and run to “try” with another partner: maybe it will be easier there. Prodigal cohabitation is all built on flight from sorrows. Profitable, comfortable - cohabitation. Not comfortable - fled.

Cohabitation is an attempt to avoid the struggle with prodigal passion. But, by satisfying passions, we do not destroy them, but nurture them.

And at the same time, of course, this is an attempt to avoid the struggle with prodigal passion, satisfying it in prodigal cohabitation. But, by satisfying the passions, we do not destroy them, but nurture them. The more we satisfy passion and indulge in sin, the more they enslave us. And as a result of satisfaction of fornication outside of marriage, people become not loving spouses, but fornicators who are always looking for thrills and experiences, forced by their passion, mistaking it for love. And, of course, they do not find what the soul needs, they find only suffering and disappointment. Wandering out of their way, in sinful darkness.

They wander in three pines without entering the Kingdom of Heaven, which is already here, on earth, beginning. Finding neither love nor happiness.

And those who are married know that they cannot run away: they are husband and wife. And they also know that after difficulties, temptations, sorrows, insults, God's grace and consolation comes if you forgive and do not run away. And that the more a person is forgiven, the more he loves, as the Lord said in the Gospel of Luke, in the 7th chapter, at a supper in the house of Simon the Pharisee. And in marriage many, many times, and you forgive, and you are forgiven.

Therefore, it is not necessary to enter into fornication before marriage. Otherwise, you will not see real love and happiness and the Kingdom of Heaven. And there will be wandering in one's own sins and passions and senseless waste of one's precious, only earthly life to escape from this very Life into one's own fears, cowardice and emptiness.

Do not confuse civil marriage and cohabitation

- For some reason, we talk about relationships without registration as a civil marriage. But there is confusion here. What is a civil marriage? A civil marriage is a marriage registered with a state body - the registry office. But people are deceived and, when cohabiting without registration, they call themselves husband and wife. However, they are not husband and wife, not only from a spiritual point of view. There is also a legal aspect to this problem. Legally, they are cohabitants, and they are not subject to any legal rules and laws governing relationships within the family, such as those relating to children and joint property. And in criminal law, we clearly read: if a crime is committed, one is not called a husband, with whom relations are not registered in the registry office, but is called a cohabitant.

If you love a person, if you want to be with him, if everything suits you in this person, why not register your relationship - at least in the registry office? But today they do not reach the registry office in the multitude. But children are born in such cohabitation... And how to solve the legal issues that arise in this case, how to protect these children? Who then will fulfill the maintenance obligations if the couple “runs away”?

So, a civil marriage is a marriage registered government bodies. And if this marriage is not crowned, the Church does not consider such a relationship as fornication. This is especially emphasized. So should you get married? Definitely a must!

What is a wedding? A wedding is a Sacrament with which the blessing of God is administered. As in any Sacrament. And if they live unmarried, then it turns out that a couple, entering into marriage, taking such a responsible step, forgets about the most important thing - to ask God for a blessing. Forget about God's grace. Why be surprised that we have so many divorces that conflicts arise. How to arrange family life without blessing?

And the sin of cohabitation lies in the fact that a person does not want to be responsible for another. Marriage is a testimony to society about responsibility for each other. If a person wants to be responsible for another out of love, then he announces to the whole society: “Here is my wife, here is my husband - both in sorrow and in joy. For life. And all of you – relatives, acquaintances, the state – know that we are ready to take this step.”

Cohabitation is dangerous, first of all, for a woman, because when a couple breaks up, it is always the woman who suffers: as soon as she became pregnant, her so-called husband was saddened by this fact and, if she did not want to have an abortion, he left. And the woman who considered him her husband is left alone with the child. Therefore, the Church always insists that a person who has met another person as his soul mate, a man who has fallen in love with a woman, a woman who has fallen in love with a man, tell the society, the Church about their responsibility for each other, by registering the marriage in the registry office and consecrating it in the temple of God's Sacrament of the wedding.