What to do if the relationship with the mother does not add up? Independent personality. How can an adult daughter build a relationship with her mother? What to do as a parent in a bad relationship

A good, warm relationship with her mother is a matter of pride for every daughter. They give a feeling of lightness, happiness, strong support. Unfortunately, not always the two closest people find a common language. Why this happens and how to improve relations with your mother, read on.

How to build relationships with your mom

The first thing to do is to accept the mother as she is. You don't have another and never will. Think about what shaped mom as a person. Perhaps her character and behavior is explained by dramatic events, difficulties in life.

If you have old grudges, it's best to bring them to light. Look at childhood traumas from the position of an adult, talk to your mother about them, but only calmly. Try not to blame, but to get to the bottom of the matter, to understand what made the mother do this.

When these stages are completed, you should begin to fight the painful dependence on your mother. It is present in almost all relationships, where they often swear and do not understand each other. The mother seeks to control the children, and they are looking for unconditional love and acceptance, which they lacked so much.

To improve relations, you will have to completely change the style of communication, start everything from scratch. Talk heart to heart with your mother, tell her about your intention to become closer to her. Start building a dialogue, showing an extreme degree of respect, look for common ground, activities that are interesting to both. Then gradually there will be a rapprochement, the relationship will become pleasant and trusting.

What can ruin a relationship

We can confidently say that an adult is responsible for the relationship with the child. It is he who, from the smallest, should not only take care, but also show love, monitor the positive atmosphere in the house, learn to understand his child and negotiate with him. But in reality, this is not given to many.

Why the connection of the two closest people becomes painful and traumatic:

Of course, it all starts with the mother. If the relationship is bad, then most of the blame is on her. But this does not mean at all that you need to sit and wait for everything to come to its senses by itself. If you feel the need to connect with your mother, take the first step. Help her understand you, perhaps she is confused and simply does not know which side to approach you.

Daughter and mother: what are the relationships

Each mother's relationship with her children is built according to her own type, depending on her character, life experience, readiness for the parental role. Let's consider the main ones:

Harmonious relations between mother and child are rare, although small, but there is a bias. And in order to improve relations, it is important to read these features, not to fight them, but to accept them. Improve the good that is, and mitigate the negative manifestations.

The degree of mother's involvement in the child's life

Every person sees ideal relationship in my own way. This opinion is formed according to the cultural customs of the country and this particular family. Most often, they act out their experience of interacting with their parents. If a mother has constantly controlled her daughter, she will also be overprotective of her children, and vice versa. If the degree of mother's involvement is uncomfortable, it will be difficult to adjust it. Try to discuss her youth, how she grew up and was brought up, what she felt in the absence of understanding from her parents.

What to do if your relationship with your mother is not going well

If positive interaction does not work out at all, it may be worth contacting a specialist - a family psychologist. You don't have to go to the appointment with your mother. Relationships can be corrected on the one hand. If the child is still in school, you should enlist the support of other relatives, especially if the mother leads an antisocial lifestyle (drinks, does not appear at home), uses physical or moral violence.

In the case when, on the whole, the relationship is satisfactory, and at least in some places there is understanding, you can try to act on your own. Heed the advice below.

Don't forget who you're arguing with

Before speaking out in a temper, think about the fact that your mother is the closest and dearest person to you. She, like you, expects a special, caring attitude.

Expressing her claims, she sincerely believes that she is acting in your interests, protecting and guiding you on the right path. If she is objectively wrong, try to convey your position calmly, offer a compromise. Negativity must be nipped in the bud, otherwise it will quickly accumulate and lead to complete alienation.

Take her place

Most The best way To understand a person is to stand in his place. Mom is unhappy with your abilities as a hostess? Worried when you get home late? Doesn't approve of certain outfits? Instead of a harsh, categorical reaction, try asking her about her point of view. Why does she think so and not otherwise. Perhaps she has a painful experience and she wants you to avoid her mistakes. Also, think about how you would behave in a similar situation when talking to your own daughter.

talk

Communication brings people closer. It is not necessary to reveal all your secrets and secrets to your mother. Just ask her how she is doing, how her day went, talk about plans for the weekend. You can discuss an interesting film or program, the menu for the next day. If conflicts often arise in conversations, try to choose only neutral topics at first. In order for peace and tranquility to come into the relationship, emotions must subside, and resentment should be forgotten.

Instructing, teaching life is the main parental function, and almost every mother considers it her duty to give advice. The child, in turn, strives to quickly become an adult and independent, wants to decide for himself how to act in a given situation. For the relationship to be good, it is important to find a compromise here. Consult with the mother, show that her opinion and experience are important, but state your own point of view. Let mom see that the decision being made is a balanced one. Be prepared to take responsibility if something goes wrong.

Take an interest in her life

Showing love, care and concern is very important. Whatever the relationship is now, don't cut off the connection. Almost any conflict can be resolved. Take an interest in the mother's life, and if your help is needed, give it. Be above resentment, because this is what makes the relationship truly warm. Just find out how she feels, what is at work, if she needs help around the house.

How to build a relationship with your mother as an adult

The first thing an adult woman needs to do is get rid of childhood resentment against her mother. Even if you didn’t receive warmth, blame her for something, you need to forgive and leave everything in the past. Soon you yourself will become a mother (if you haven’t already), and your children will already look at your example of communication with parents.

And rest assured, they will imitate him. So start treating your mother the way you would like your daughter to treat you. Always greet her warmly, hug her, take an interest in life, help her cope with difficulties. Let your mom know that you have grown up and that everything is fine with you, thank you for all the good things that she gave you.

Whatever you say, mother and daughter are the closest people. So that the relationship is not overshadowed by misunderstandings and conflicts, it is important to remember this. Try to smooth out sharp corners, show kindness, participation and restraint. Your efforts will definitely be rewarded!

Natasha, Kimry

Oh those parents! First they make us go to kindergarten and wash your hands before eating, put away toys and tie shoelaces, then get an education, behave civilly, not communicate with bad guys and put on hats in the cold. Years pass, our babies are already born, and we ... all continue to rebel against the parental "yoke" . What is the complexity of the relationship between us, adults, and already elderly parents? And how can we understand each other?

The main problems in the relationship between older parents and adult children - solutions.

Grown-up children are a constant internal conflict: love for parents and irritation, a desire to visit them more often and lack of time, resentment for misunderstanding and the inevitable feeling of guilt. There are many problems between us and our parents, and the older we are with them, the more serious the conflicts of generations. The main problems of elderly "fathers" and grown-up children:

• Elderly parents, due to age, “start up” p irritability, capriciousness, touchiness and categorical judgments. The children have not enough patience , nor the strength to respond to such changes properly.

• The level of anxiety of elderly parents sometimes rises above the maximum mark. And few people think that unreasonable anxiety is associated with diseases of this age.
• Most older parents feel lonely and abandoned. Children are the only support and hope. Not to mention that sometimes children become almost the only thread of communication with the outside world. Communication with children and grandchildren is the main joy for elderly parents. But our own problems seem like enough excuse to “forget” to call or “fail” to visit them.

• The habitual care of one's children is often develops into excessive control . In turn, grown-up children do not want, as in school days, to account for their every action. Control is irritating, and anger eventually turns into conflict.
• The world of an elderly person sometimes narrows down to the size of his apartment: work stays abroad retirement age, nothing depends on the important decisions of an older person, and participation in public life is also in the past. Closing in 4 walls with your thoughts and anxieties, old man finds himself alone with his fears. Observation develops into suspiciousness and suspicion. Trust in people is dissolved in various phobias, and experiences are splashed out with indignation and reproaches at the only people who can listen - at children.

• Memory problems. It's good if the old people just forget about your birthday. It is worse when they forget to close doors, faucets, gas valves, or even the way home. And, unfortunately, not all children have a desire to understand this age-related problem and “insure” their parents.
• Vulnerable psyche. Due to age-related changes in the brain, people in old age are very sensitive to criticism and carelessly thrown words. Any reproach can cause long resentment and even tears. Children, swearing at the "capriciousness" of their parents, do not see the need to hide their displeasure - they are offended in response or quarrel over traditional pattern"you are unbearable!" and “well, what did I do wrong again ?!”.

• Parents must live separately. Everyone knows that coexisting under one roof with two completely different families- hard. But "love from afar" many children perceive as the need to minimize communication. Although separation does not at all imply non-participation in the life of parents. Even being at a distance, you can “stay close” to your parents, supporting them and taking part in their lives.
• For mom and dad, their child, even at 50, will be a child. Because parental instinct doesn't have an expiration date. But grown-up children no longer need the “intrusive advice” of the old people, their criticism and educational process - “why again without a hat?”, “Why do you need to go there”, “you don’t wash the refrigerator correctly”, etc. The grown-up child gets annoyed, protests and tries to stop This is an "intervention" in privacy.

• Health every year becomes more and more precarious. Once young, but now locked in the bodies of old people, parents find themselves in a situation where it is difficult to do anything without outside help, when there is no one to “give a glass of water”, when it is scary that no one will be there at the time of a heart attack. Young, busy children understand all this, but still do not feel their responsibility for their relatives old people - “Mom again talked on the phone for an hour and a half about her sores! I would have called at least once to ask how I personally am doing! ” Unfortunately, awareness comes to most children too late.
• Grandmothers and grandchildren. Grown-up children believe that grandmothers are meant to nurse their grandchildren. Regardless of how they feel, whether they want to babysit, whether older parents have other plans. Consumer attitudes very often result in conflict. True, the reverse situation is not uncommon: grandmothers visit their grandchildren almost daily, reproaching the “careless mother” for the wrong educational approach and “breaking” all the educational schemes built by this “mother”.

• Any newfangled trends are perceived by conservative elderly parents with hostility. They are satisfied with striped wallpaper, old favorite armchairs, retro music, the usual approach to business and a whisk instead of a food processor. It is almost impossible to convince parents to change furniture, move, throw away “this terrible picture” or buy a dishwasher. It is also perceived with hostility and the modern way of life of grown-up children, unscrupulous youth, stupid songs and manner of dressing.
• Increasingly, thoughts of death slip into conversations. Annoyed, children refuse to understand that in old age, talking about death is not a horror story to scare children, and not a “play” on their feelings in order to “bargain” more attention for themselves (although this happens), but a natural phenomenon. A person begins to relate to death the more calmly, the higher the age bar. And the desire to foresee the problems of children associated with the death of their parents is natural.

• Abrupt mood swings in an elderly person are not just "capriciousness", but very serious changes in the hormonal status and the body as a whole. Do not rush to be angry with your parents - their mood and behavior does not always depend on them. Someday, standing in their place, you yourself will understand this.

Rules for communicating with elderly parents - help, attention, family traditions and cute rituals.

• Think small family traditions - for example, a weekly Skype session with parents (if you are hundreds of kilometers apart), a family dinner every Sunday, a weekly meeting with the whole family for a picnic, or "gatherings" in a cafe every second Saturday.

• We get annoyed when once again our parents try to teach us about life. But it's not about the advice that parents give us, but about the attention. They want to feel needed, and they are afraid of losing their significance. It is not at all difficult to thank my mother for the advice and say that her advice was very helpful. Even if you do it your own way.
• Let your parents take care of you. There is no point in constantly proving independence and “adulthood”. Let mom and dad scold for not having a hat in the cold, pack pies “to go if you get hungry” and criticize for being too frivolous appearance It's their "work". Be indulgent - you will always remain a child for your parents.
• Don't try to reform your parents. They love us for who we are. Respond to them the same - they deserve it.

• Be attentive to your parents . Don't forget to call them and come visit. Bring grandchildren and demand from your children that they also call their grandparents. Take an interest in health, and be always ready to help. Regardless of whether you need to bring medicine, help with washing windows or fixing a leaky roof.
• Think of an activity for parents. For example, buy them a laptop and teach them how to use it. On the Internet, they will find a lot of useful and interesting things for themselves. In addition, modern technological innovations make the brain work, and by retirement you can even find a job on the Internet (freelance) with the help of children, of course, as a pleasant “bonus”. And most importantly - you will always be in touch. If dad loves to work with wood, help him equip the workshop and find necessary materials. And mom can be introduced to one of the types of hand-made creativity - fortunately, there are a lot of them today.

• Don't exploit your parents - "You are a grandmother, so your task is to sit with your grandchildren." Maybe your parents dream of driving around the Russian hills and taking pictures of the sights. Or they just feel bad, but they can't refuse you. Your parents gave you their whole life - they deserve the right to rest. If the situation is reversed, do not refuse parents to meet with their grandchildren. No one will “spoil” your children (they haven’t spoiled you), but “spoiling the kids” a little bit hasn’t hurt anyone yet. Remember yourself, grandparents are always the closest people after their parents. Who will always understand, feed / water and never betray. Children are extremely important for their affection and love.

• Often, elderly parents flatly refuse to accept material assistance from their children and even help themselves to the best of their ability. Do not "sit" on the neck of your parents and do not consider such behavior natural. Help from parents is always needed. When treating parents in a consumer way, consider that your children are looking at you. And imagine that after a while you will be in the place of your parents.
• Old people feel lonely. Have time to find time and patience to listen to their problems, advice, stories about the days spent in the garden, and even criticism. Many adult children, losing their parents, then feel guilty for their irritation for the rest of their lives - “a hand reaches for the receiver, I want to hear a voice, but there is no one to call.” Choose words when communicating with parents. Do not upset them with rudeness or an accidentally dropped "blunder" - elderly parents are vulnerable and defenseless.

• Make sure your parents are as comfortable as possible. But at the same time, do not try to put them “in a cage” - “I provide them, buy food, do everything around the house for them, send them to a sanatorium for the summer, but they are always dissatisfied with something.” This is all great, of course. But people who are not burdened with any work at all, even at a young age, begin to go crazy with boredom. Therefore, saving your parents from hard work, leave them their pleasant chores. Let them feel their usefulness and need. Let them check the lessons with their grandchildren if they want, and cook dinners if they want. Let them clean your room - it's not a disaster if your blouses are on another shelf and evenly folded. “Mom, what’s the best way to cook meat?”, “Dad, we’ve decided to build a bathhouse here - can you help with the project?”, “Mom, thanks for cleaning up, otherwise I’m completely wrapped up”, “Mom, let’s buy you new shoes? » etc.

• Do not respond with criticism for criticism or resentment for resentment. This is the road to nowhere. Mom swears? Walk up to her, hug her, kiss her, tell her sweet words- the quarrel will dissolve in the air. Is dad unhappy? Smile, hug your dad, tell him that without him you would not have achieved anything in this life. It is impossible to continue to be angry when a sincere stream of love from your child falls on you.
• A little more about coziness and comfort. For older people, "locked" in their apartment (house), the environment around them is extremely important. It's not even about cleanliness and properly working plumbing and appliances. And in comfort. Surround your parents with this comfort. Taking into account their interests, of course. Let the interior be pleasant, let beautiful things surround parents, let the furniture be comfortable, even if it is a rocking chair that you hate - as long as they feel good.
• Be patient with any age-related changes and manifestations. This is the law of nature, no one has canceled it. By understanding the roots of the emotionality of older parents, you will be able to bypass all the sharp corners in the relationship in the least painful way.

• Do not get carried away surrounded by your parents care. Be careful - perhaps too intrusive help hits their sense of helplessness even more. Parents don't want to get old. And here you are - with a warm new plaid blanket and vouchers to a sanatorium for sick old people. Be interested in what they lack, and start from this.

Many women don't realize how important a good relationship with Mother. They suffer from the fact that she takes up too much space in their lives. The image of a condemning or approving figure, the need to earn her recognition is oppressive, does not allow you to start your own life. “Fixing your relationship with your mother means adding calmness and confidence to life, feeling happier,” says psychologist Terry Apter.

It is not uncommon for the daughters of powerful, commanding, and all-knowing mothers to move to another city, country, or otherwise distance themselves. Behind the grandiose-dominant figure of the mother, it can be difficult for them to discern an ordinary woman, the same as they are: with ups and downs, successes and disappointments, with the right to make mistakes, feelings and desires.

In order for the mother and daughter to be able to move on without losing each other, both need to go through mourning for the child-parent relationship that connected them before. Unfortunately, a smooth transition from the relationship of mother and child to friendship or at least mutual respect does not always occur.

On Mother's Side: Mourning for Child Daughter

A growing daughter is joy and pride. The results of hard work, sleepless nights, tears shed. Reflection of maternal appearance, character and habits in a new person. But a growing daughter is also sadness for her own youth, departed joys and unfulfilled dreams. Sorrow for your baby, irrevocable motherhood, a sense of self-importance.

A mother needs to see in her daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother.

Mothers need to give up omnipotence - real or imagined, become more flexible, see in their daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother. The mother's task is to convey to her daughter the correct maternal identification: the ability to see and respect a separate personality in her child.

According to Caroline Eljacheff and Nathalie Einisch, French psychoanalysts and co-authors of Mothers and Daughters: The Third Extra, only with this approach does the mother get the opportunity to “build a relationship with her daughter that, without negating the past, allows you to find a compromise in the present.”

On the side of the daughter: mourning for childhood

Sometimes a mother is not ready to let go of her daughter, to accept a woman in her. Then the daughter can teach her a lesson by showing that she is already old enough, which means that their relationship implies equality and respect. But separated, it is important to maintain respect for the mother.

For a woman, relations with her mother are complicated by the fact that, despite all the insults and misunderstandings, she will sooner or later have to identify with her in order to discover the maternal function in herself. The more acceptance a daughter can find in herself in relation to her mother, the less conflict her own motherhood will be for her.

The growing up of the daughter is inevitably accompanied by the aging of the mother - sooner or later the asymmetry of power and care will be turned upside down, the daughter will have to take care of her own mother. It is important for both to be able to agree and find a compromise before the mother loses the physical and / or mental ability to do so.

Watching the gradual fading of her mother, the daughter says goodbye to the person who brought her into this world, says goodbye to her childhood and at the same time loses the last barrier separating her from death herself.

Finding Balance: Realistic Expectations

Deep inside, we all want our relationship with our mother to be special and intimate. Unfortunately, reality often diverges from the ideal. This is not as bad as it might seem at first glance.

Try to imagine a real relationship - instead of an imaginary idyll, they have a place for mutual insults and joys. Instead of an impeccably beautiful or, conversely, a devilishly terrible image of a mother that lives in your soul, - a real man with its own merits and demerits. So you can establish a more lively and sincere contact, see the usual human manifestations in the mother.

No matter how difficult your dialogue is, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.

American psychologist Paula Kaplan advises to take an interest in the mother's story - to look at her life from the outside in order to re-evaluate her actions. As a child, you can hold a grudge and anger for some words, actions or inactions of your mother, but as an adult woman and evaluating her life from the height of your experience, you may be able to understand, forgive and accept something.

The generation of women now in their 60s was brought up in conditions of acute scarcity and rigid moral principles, which could not but leave an imprint on them, including as mothers.

As both mother and daughter mature and become more aware of each other's character, attitudes, and values, the desire to break through the established mother-daughter roles to a deeper understanding becomes stronger.

Terry Apter is sure that returning to earlier roles - picky mother or capricious child - can interfere with the development of relationships in adulthood. “Speak with the full force of your adult personality,” the psychologist advises. “Then the mother is more likely to respond to you as an adult rather than as a child.” As difficult as your dialogue may be, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.

Respect is the first step to friendship

Maria, 38, recalls being completely shattered when her always active and successful mother suddenly became depressed, divorced her father and moved to another country. “For many years I blamed her and wished only one thing: that she would do everything differently and correct her mistake,” says Maria. “Only now I understand how hard this decision was for her, how wisely she acted - she stopped torturing herself, her father and all of us.” Maria believes that life in different countries helped them both distance themselves from the situation and reassess the past. Now they treat each other with great respect.

Time apart helped 60-year-old Alexandra get closer to her daughter. “When Anna left for Canada, we began to correspond. It was easier in letters than by phone to express thoughts and feelings that we had never voiced in a live conversation. I missed her a lot, but the first year I did not come to visit. She once wrote: "This your time enjoy it."

There are no perfect mothers and no perfect daughters.

Such a relationship with a mother is like a friendship. Both mother and daughter are involved in each other's lives, but respect personal space. This allows them to overcome trials and enjoy the good news together. “When I was diagnosed with cancer, Anna behaved very nobly - she invited me to live with her, and every day I could see my granddaughter,” says Alexandra. “It’s like we made an unspoken promise: we can be together, but at the same time, each one lives and goes about her life, no matter how difficult it may be.”

There are no perfect mothers and no perfect daughters. The main thing is that you definitely will not have another mother. Realizing this, you can, if not stop being angry at your mother for her mistakes, then at least try to behave like an adult woman and build communication from this position. Then the relationship between you will become, if not ideal, but conscious, and your life will become more calm and happy.

How to mature your relationship with your mother

Show interest. What was your mom's life besides motherhood? How was her childhood, youth? What did she dream about, what came true, what does she regret? Try to look at native person from the outside, not only as a daughter. This will provide an opportunity to re-evaluate the motives of her actions.

Look for similarities. Yes, you are different, but your mother gave you not only life, but also 50% of her genes. Maybe you have common hobbies or you like to cook for loved ones, just like your mother once cooked for you. Ultimately, both of you are women. The more sides you are willing to accept, the less resentment will poison your life.

Communicate. Try to talk about something that has never been talked about before. So you can move away from the usual communication style that was formed in childhood, and at the same time learn something new about a loved one.

Speak straight. What do you expect from your mother, how do you see your relationship? If you clearly and confidently express your position, the other side is likely to treat it with respect. Directly ask your mother: “What can I do for you?” Remember, it is probably more difficult for her, due to her upbringing, to say this. Pleasant trifles with which you can please each other will help to get closer. As a rule, mothers need so little.

Write a letter. Work on the inner attitude towards your mother that you carry within you. One way to forgive and let go is to write a letter outlining all your feelings, grievances, and wishes.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! I am 26 years old. I am married and have a five year old daughter. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. She gave birth to me at the age of 38. At that time, she was not married to her father, so that in which case there would be no problems with divorce. She had a difficult divorce process from her first husband. She gave birth to me for herself, because age was already running out and my grandmother said that you need to give birth, so as not to be alone in old age. My father cheated on her and they separated before I was born. She did not file for alimony and was considered a single mother. I have never seen my father until now. When I was 1.3, my mother went to work and until the age of 7.5 I lived with my grandmother in the village. Mom visited us only on weekends. I always cried a lot when she left and waited all week for the next weekend. Mom said that she was doing repairs in the apartment and could not pick me up. When I went to school she picked me up. And from that moment not the most began best time for me. Mom always put pressure on me for grades - she scolded me for 4s and was dissatisfied, she beat me for triples, I didn’t have twos. For five with a minus, she said that it was possible to get five. Often lashed out at me because of nothing literally. Already in the first grade, I knew how hard it was to kneel on the salt. I knew that a narrow belt beats more painfully than a wide one. Having received bad grade I just didn't want to go home because I knew what was going to happen. Then, six months or a year later, my mother began to teach me to wash dishes and clean the apartment. It was terrible. When she came home from work and saw a clean apartment, she first praised me, but when she found the slightest flaw in the cleaning, she began to say that she cleaned it badly. It often led to a scandal. I did my own lessons. Mom did not help me, she only checked, and then only in primary school . She often yelled at me. I liked to read several hour morals while cleaning or washing dishes, at the same time saying what was wrong with my plate. She said - do the right thing as I taught you. At that moment, I didn’t know where to go from fear. In the summer I went to my grandmother. There she helped in the garden and around the house. Sometimes I went out with friends. I had no friends in the city - I was always studying. And there was not much communication in the class either. I was withdrawn and always felt the worst. In the seventh grade, my mother said that after school I should go to the village to my grandmother, as she was old and had pressure. Every day after school I went to my grandmother on foot (about 3-4 km), did my homework, returned to the city in the morning and went to school, barely having time to change clothes and eat. Always like this. My mother's dissatisfaction grew with me. Gradually, she began not only to scold me and beat me, but also to insult me ​​with not the best words (cow, cattle, creature). Sometimes the words were even stronger. In spring and autumn, in addition to studying, I also added work in the garden. And everything had to be combined. But I tried my best, I understood that it was hard for my mother and I needed help. In the 9th grade, my grandmother died and my life deteriorated. Mom began to break down on me even more often. She said that now no one will help her and will not regret it. And that it makes no sense to me. I always said that the children help the neighbors more and everyone around is normal, and I, like the devil knows who. Favorite expression was: "Children are a joy to everyone, but disgusting to me", "I gave birth to you, so that at least some help from you was, and you ...". Although I helped her a lot, the neighbors always sympathized with me. I always spent all summer holidays in the countryside, doing my mother's tasks around the house and in the garden. She praised me, but only when I did everything perfectly. If I didn’t do something or did something wrong, I got it. Every day, when she came home from work, everything inside me began to shrink and some kind of heat passed through my body. I always knew what would happen to me. I didn't know why, but I knew exactly what would happen. We never walked anywhere with her, only at home or in the garden. Money was also hard. I had almost no clothes. It used to be that I wore one sweater and one pants for a whole year. She basically refused child support. I graduated from school with a medal, entered a prestigious university in another city. Mom was proud of it. I rarely came home, once a month. And that was only because it was necessary. I never wanted to come home. In the first year, for the first month, everyone complained about how bad it was without a mother, but I was just fine. In my second year, I met a guy, my future husband. She told her mother only a year later. She, thank God, reacted normally to this. At the end of the 3rd year, he proposed to me. Mom was against it at first, she said that she needed to finish her studies. But then she agreed. On the 4th course I got pregnant. The child was planned, not by flight. But I was in no hurry to tell my mother. Then, nevertheless, the husband himself called and told his mother. At his words, my mother began to yell that it was necessary to use condoms and all that. Then she told me how I could not tell her that she was my mother and everything like that. Then she calmed down. When the child was born, the husband was not there. He was forced to leave. My mother did not help me with the child. Even on the first day after the maternity hospital, she left for the village, since she had business there. I didn't ask for help, I did everything myself. Then my mother still complained why I didn’t come to the village and help her. She said that she would help with the child only if I moved to her. But it was easier for me to be alone than with her under the same roof. Then my husband and I moved to another country. I called my mom once a week. But every month it was harder and harder for me to communicate with her once a week, I didn’t want to communicate at all sometimes. When I told her something good about our life, it was noticeable that she did not want to hear it. And when I once complained about the difficulties, my mother replied that I chose all this myself. I try not to complain to her anymore. Now we correspond on the Internet, sometimes we call each other. But even just writing to her is hard for me. It takes several days to tune in to write a message. In messages, my mother always writes how bad she is alone, how unhappy she is. In general, she was dissatisfied with everything in life, and now I have left her. She doesn't like it, sometimes she even expresses it to me. She says that children always come to others, and she is alone. Last year I often think about this situation. On the one hand, I have feelings of hatred for her, and on the other hand, a feeling of pity and guilt. Recently I wrote to her that it’s hard for me to live like this and why she did this to me. She said that she knew that she was a bad mother, and that she would always bear this cross. She asked to forgive her. She even wrote that she would kill herself. I had to calm her down. Now it is very difficult for me to live and at the same time hate her and blame myself for leaving for another country. I help her financially to the best of my ability. But I don't want to talk at all. I don't even like it when she touches me. This is what worries me a lot. Constant thoughts oppress me every day more and more. I do not know how to cope with this contradiction and take one side. Help me please!

The psychologist Bashtynskaya Svetlana Viktorovna answers the question.

Victoria, hello!

I really feel how the relationship with your mother is driving you into a mental dead end. All your life you take care of your mother, and now, when you have begun to live your own separate life, you seem to have no right to it, a feeling of guilt arises in you, which continues to be supported and nurtured by her.

What happened to you as a child is outrageous. You, a little girl, were given inadequate and excessive demands, excessive responsibility, you were not given the opportunity to be a child. You had to grow up early and constantly control yourself. You have learned to be careful and not stick out, to do everything according to the rules. And there was no way to behave differently in that situation, you survived and adjusted to these harsh conditions, you were always on the alert, otherwise the closest person at that time could insult, humiliate you or even hit you. And for little Vika, that life was full of pain and fear, and now, your inner girl remembers all this, these feelings stayed with her and influence how you live now, what you feel and think.

I admire your strength, how you got through all of this, and how you were able to separate and move on your own path.

To me, your relationship with your mother looks distorted, inverted. It's like you need to parent them. And on her part, you are required to maintain her peace of mind, accept her mistakes, while she does not want to hear what is happening to you.

Honestly, I was in great indignation reading the letter - your mother gave birth to you for herself, and did not hide it, did not take you into account as a person, she was not interested in your needs and desires, and is not interested until now. Everything must revolve around her. And how dare you leave and take care of your life?!

The fact that it’s hard for you to communicate with her now is absolutely normal and natural. And how could it be otherwise? Where can the desire to share the innermost and the desire for bodily contact come from, if for most of life it was either ignored, or subjected to merciless criticism, or even could be dangerous to health. With all this, you do not leave her, you help her financially as much as you can.

Now you can take in a relationship with your mother such a distance that is comfortable for you. You can take care of yourself and your family first.

And if you want to deal with this contradiction, which does not allow you to breathe freely, even at a great distance from your mother, then it is important to allow yourself to express your feelings about her. And they will be different: love, hate, anger, pain, resentment, sadness. You are entitled to all these experiences. Share in yourself your feelings and expectations from the feelings and expectations of your mother, which you absorbed in your childhood. Learn to support yourself and allow yourself to enjoy life and the fact that you are moving your own way, making mistakes and doing “imperfect”. I see a lot of strength and courage in you.

Victoria, if you need support or advice, you can always write to me by mail Best regards, Svetlana Bashtynskaya

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Why the connection between the two closest people turns out to be not even ambivalent, but polyvalent, psychologist Ekaterina Ignatova argues.

Once you were one with her, lived in her stomach for nine months, enjoying symbiosis and total acceptance. Then she was born: the obstetrician slapped you on the pope, you began to breathe and mourn the loss of that state in which there was no loneliness. Thus began the separation from your mother - the process in which your character was formed. By her actions or inaction, your mother influenced your personality and future fate. It was from her that you learned what love is. If she was warm and accepting, you concluded that love and intimacy were safe. If she was cold and inattentive, she decided that intimacy was a very risky adventure. She talked about what you are like, and you unconditionally believed her.

"Good and neat" or "sloppy and restless" - these definitions were carved on the granite of our unconscious. IN adolescence many have tried to amend these statements, but no eraser can erase what is carved in granite. Later, we more calmly began to discuss with my mother, to defend our point of view, often to disagree. However, no matter what they say, no matter how they behave, and at thirty, and at forty, we unconsciously want to achieve her attention and approval or prove the right to our own opinion, to be heard and understood.

The process of separation from the mother begins at the same time
with our birth and lasts much longer than it might seem at first glance. You can get married, give birth to your own children, move to another continent for permanent residence and still remain connected with it by an invisible umbilical cord. And this is not about love, closeness and gratitude to the person who gave us life. This invisible thread is woven from insults, claims and misunderstandings. Every mother loves her child, and none of them can give him exactly what he would like. The acceptance that existed in the first nine months of his life. This impossibility gives rise to painful sensations that psychoanalysts call narcissistic trauma. Moreover, many mothers often end up bankrupt. Tired, unsure of themselves, anxious, they want, but cannot be a support - neither to themselves, nor to their daughters.
Real separation and growing up, which is not related to reaching puberty, issuing a certificate or getting a stamp in the passport, begins with an attempt to understand your parents, to see people in them, with their advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately, accepting a mother is not always easy, but only by doing this, you can truly accept yourself and not repeat her mistakes.

LOVE-offense
Lena started reading at the age of three, adding and subtracting at four, and at five she went to a music school, where she became an excellent student and a star. Mom always admired her talents, told everyone how smart her daughter was. The ideal picture began to fade at the moment when Lena graduated from high school - the girl entered the university, where she barely passed the sessions for triples, moved from her parents to the first man she came across with an apartment, soon married him, gave birth to a child and sat at home. No one could understand how this smart and talented girl from such a wonderful family could choose such an absurd fate for herself. And why she was talking to her mother through her teeth was also incomprehensible. After all, she did everything for her. Hand on heart, Lena herself could not figure out her motives. To find answers to questions, she turned to a psychotherapist for help. At the consultations, she talked about her childhood, about her mother, who constantly sat in the next room and read. The fact that she always lacked simple human attention. And that the parents were puzzled only by what other circle to enroll the child in. Lenin's mother realized her own ambitions through her daughter, while completely ignoring the needs of the girl. She saw in Lena her improved copy or, in the language of psychoanalysis, her narcissistic extension. Growing up, Lena chose a very strange way to prove her right to individuality - she went on strike. She tried in vain to get the unconditional acceptance from her parents, which she so lacked in childhood.
Unsure of themselves and at the same time ambitious mothers do not know what they are doing. Not noticing the needs and characteristics of their own child, they provoke the emergence of a strong resentment in him. The rejection with which they treat their little daughter rebounds years later. Having matured, the girls refuse to visit their parents on weekends and talk to them through their lips. The feeling of resentment turns out to be soldered into love, and it is possible to share these feelings only when you are in the psychologist's office.

LOVE-JEALY
Alice was the second child in the family. When she was born, her elder sister Marina was already learning Chopin. And this is in the second grade of a music school! Parents began to nurture the young talent, and Alice was brought up according to the residual principle. She tried to compete with her sister, but nothing came of it. The handicap was too big. Alice was not angry, she accepted the situation as it was. More precisely, she forced out anger and jealousy, doing what worked well: helping her mother with cooking and cleaning. Then life put everything in its place - the talented Marina, after graduating from the conservatory, married an alcoholic, quit the orchestra in which she played, gave birth to a child and buried her hopes of winning the Tchaikovsky competition. Alice, unexpectedly for everyone, made a career in show business - however, as a director and administrator. We must pay tribute to her mother: realizing her mistakes, she asked Alice for forgiveness. True, a little late. By that time, my daughter had turned 35, and her whole life was subordinated to the idea of ​​​​proving her own usefulness.
Even with irrefutable evidence of their success, unloved daughters feel insecure. They walk through life in invisible T-shirts with the inscription "Number Two". Not by washing, but by rolling, they return their mother to themselves - they take on the solution of all her problems, provide financial and moral support. And having got a precious prize, they don’t really know how to dispose of it. Hidden jealousy, anger and resentment do not allow you to fully enjoy the victory. Recognizing and re-living these negative feelings, releasing them, can provide an opportunity to build a warm and close relationship with the one who once made such a mistake, confusing the process of raising children with playing on the hippodrome.

LOVE-NEGATION
Olya used to say all her life: “I am my father's daughter”. As a child, she complained that her mother did not know how to play, and as a teenager she claimed that her mother was a boring person. Her whole life was subordinated to the principle: listen to your mother and do the opposite. Mother was a physicist - Olya became a lyricist, her mother loved to cook - Olya could only cook a sandwich and scrambled eggs, her mother got married early - Olya changed men like gloves. The daughter spoke to her exclusively in a jokingly dismissive tone.
By thirty-three, the number of Olya's cavaliers somehow drastically decreased, she began to visit the house more often, to be interested in pasta recipes.
If a girl had gone to a psychotherapist, she would have found out that girls adopt the scenario of life from their mother, to a greater or lesser extent repeat her behavior patterns and partly their fate. Convinced daddy's daughters, as a rule, follow the anti-script, that is, they try to do everything differently from their mother. However, our unconscious does not suspect
about the existence of the “not” particle and transforms the program “not like mom” into “like mom”. Sooner or later, daddy's daughters come to what they were running from. For example, they become boring and homely. Moreover, the more they become similar to their own mother, the more irritation it causes in them. In order not to step on this rake, it is very important to be not against someone, but for something. Teenage rebellion and denial is very important to turn
to a peaceful rally with positive slogans. Then and only then can you become yourself and at the same time agree with your mother.

LOVE-DISCLIEF
Katya's mother was a bright, emotional, controversial woman. She liked to play all sorts of performances, there were always many guests in their house. She could hug her three-year-old daughter, and then build scary faces and pretend to be Baba Yaga. She could praise Katya at a party, and then tell some funny story, from which it clearly followed: her daughter is a rather ridiculous creature. In general, the girl lived like on a volcano, never knowing what to expect from her mother. At the age of six, she decided not to share anything intimate with her. When Katerina turned 15, she began to spend most of her time with friends, and at 18 she ran away from home to her boyfriend. Mom wondered why her beloved child treated her so cruelly. The child tried to call home as little as possible.
Moms who send double messages to their little daughters tend to get a distant, formal attitude in return. This does not mean that they become indifferent to their grown-up girls, no. It's just that they are afraid to shorten the distance and get once again in the gut. “Contradictory” mothers, of course, know ways to breed their daughters for emotion: from time to time, quite unexpectedly, they attack them with reproach or, conversely, with inappropriate caress, break the emotional jackpot and retreat.

LOVE-WINE
Throughout Masha's childhood, her mother worked three jobs - her father was a research assistant, and at that time it was impossible to survive on his salary. The woman did not have any time and energy for veal tenderness and attention to children. At some point, her father was offered to work abroad, but it was time for Masha to go to school, and her older brother to go to college, and her parents refused the tempting offer. When the girl finished school, her mother hired the best tutors. There were no longer three jobs, but one, but this did not make me feel much better - my mother rarely came home before nine in the evening. Masha entered the budget, graduated from the institute with honors and very quickly got a job in a good company. Now he and his brother covered most of the family budget. Of course, Masha could not give half her salary to her parents, but rent an apartment and start living separately, as she had long wanted to. But she felt compelled to help them, just as they had once helped her. And deny yourself in much the same way as mom and dad did in their time.

Masha was tied to her parents not with threads, but with ropes. For many years, the mother shifted the responsibility for her failures to her daughter and nurtured in her a sense of duty and guilt. Once in a consultation with a psychotherapist, she returned to her childhood feeling of uselessness and realized the fact that she was now trying to prove her usefulness to her mother and exchange the “debt” for freedom. But since she indirectly accused Masha of the fact that she and her father had lost some opportunities because of her, which were given only once, the daughter had no choice but to repay the same. That is, to give up the maximum number of opportunities - read, from your own full life. At some point, Masha fiercely hated her mother and began to explain all her problems by the fact that she was raised incorrectly. The path to the realization that in adulthood we ourselves are responsible for our victories and defeats turned out to be thorny.
The only way to end this agonizing game is to step out of the guilt paradigm and start talking to yourself and your mom in terms of responsibility. At the same moment, it will become clear: in a senseless and merciless war - a conflict with mom - it is impossible to win. As long as the fight goes on, both sides only lose.