My father is an alcoholic: love, hate and forgive. My father is an alcoholic and I am not ashamed. Explaining why How to help an alcoholic father

My name is Masha, I am 26 years old. My father died at the end of last year. He was only 52 years old, he was an alcoholic. When he died, I was not surprised, I was practically not upset, I did not cry. I didn't care, it just pissed me off that on New Year's Eve, instead of pleasant holiday chores, I had to attend to the funeral. In all my life, he gave me nothing and left nothing, except for the murdered odnushka, a bunch of complexes, mental trauma and terrible childhood memories, he spoiled my mother and I all my life with his drunkenness. I am writing this and I know that later I will most likely be ashamed of the fact that I “took dirty linen out of the hut”, said nasty things about native person especially one who is already dead...

I grew up in a sense of eternal chaos. I never knew what to expect. I remember I was five or six years old when my mother went on a business trip and left me with my father. I woke up in the morning, drank milk with dryers, and then sat waiting for my dad to wake up and let me go for a walk. I sat on the windowsill hungry and looked out the window at how my friends were playing in the yard. Father slept until dinner, always got up shaggy and angry, began to find fault with me. Then, as I later realized, he got drunk and became just a super-daddy - a humorous, kind, just a golden person who joked, gave me money and kicked me out for a walk. And the next day, everything is new: a hangover, nitpicking and insults. It all torn me apart, especially when he yelled at my mother and lied that he didn’t drink, played with me and everything was fine with us.

All weekends and holidays, all birthdays, every New Year- everything is spoiled, spoiled by father's drunkenness. His mother worked hard at two jobs, and he was constantly stuck at home, because he was expelled from everywhere. He did not go on a binge, but he could easily oversleep, be late, not answer when the boss calls, or simply not go out because he was sick with a hangover.

What is the wildest thing for me: he died of cirrhosis, but he never recognized himself as an alcoholic! He always said that everything was fine with him, that it was my mother and I who were persecuting him, and he was just a muzzled person who was tired of life and so relieves stress. He simply loved to complain about his miserable life and blame everyone. Perhaps, if it weren’t for this trait of his, I could still communicate with him sometimes, but listening to the same thing every time about how bad everyone around was unbearable. I did not respect my father and never knew what it was like when a daughter is proud of her father, feels loved, protected, valuable. I am writing this now, and at the very tears a river of resentment.

It is terrible that because of vodka the whole life of a person and his family goes downhill.

I don’t understand: why do you drinking men get married and have children? You don't need them!! My father was never interested in my affairs! He didn't know anything about me! Never supported in anything - neither morally nor financially. All my childhood and all my youth, he either lay in front of the TV set on his sagging old sofa, or drank in the kitchen with a neighbor. When mother came and kicked them out, they continued in the yard. And I, a child, was embarrassed to go out into the street then, because I was ashamed of my drunken father, who would fall asleep in the bushes, then urinate in public, then run into gopota and then walk with a black eye. Once he got drunk, went for cigarettes, slipped in the entrance on the stairs and knocked out two front teeth. So then all my life I walked, and did not put it in.

I am 26 years old, and I have never had a normal relationship with a guy. Although I am a slim, young, seemingly pretty girl, I am valued at work, I can’t start a relationship. I feel very lonely, I suffer a lot because of this.

When the film shows happy family, caring father, normal relationship, I feel so hurt and hurt that I can burst into tears. But the worst thing is my self-doubt and resentment for an unhappy childhood. I don't know how to forget and forgive. I have tried all sorts different techniques and went to a psychologist, but it did not get any easier. I don't know what should happen. He's already dead, I'm an adult, I don't drink, I have my own a good life, my mother is alive and well, thank God, she divorced her father a long time ago, moved in with her colleague. It would seem that if you repair your father’s apartment or sell it and buy a new one, get married, live and be happy. And I can't live. I am constantly tense, constantly waiting for a dirty trick, I often cry, I can suddenly flare up and yell at a person. Then I feel ashamed, but for some reason I can’t apologize either, although I scold terribly inside myself! In general, I am a terrible pessimist by nature - I very rarely experience a feeling of true joy, not to mention happiness - something always gets in the way.

I think a lot about how my life could have turned out if my father didn’t drink at all, if we lived together, if they gave birth to a sister or brother to me ... What would I be like? Would my father be alive now? Only these dreams give an outlet, at least some support. I dream, and it seems to be easier for me.

One can only guess what feelings a child experiences when he sees his dad drunk. It seems strange and incomprehensible how this man, who does not remember what he does and says, behaves inappropriately and sometimes beats his relatives, can be your father. If dad drinks, then this situation seems hopeless to the child, he does not know who to turn to, he tries to hide the situation in the family from those around him. But there is always a way out, and even a child himself can do a lot to protect himself and help his father stop drinking.

The problem of alcoholism

Many people know how to live with an alcoholic, since alcohol addiction in our time is a fairly common disease that children in the family suffer from. Alcoholism occurs due to prolonged and frequent use of alcohol. This disease is characterized by mental and physical dependence. Very often, a drinking person does not even realize that he suffers from alcohol addiction.

If the father drinks, quarrels, conflicts, scandals and even fights often arise in the family. Children are the first to suffer from this. If nothing is done in time, the disease enters a deeper stage, a person's life goes downhill, the family breaks up. It is even harder for children whose mother drinks or both parents drink.

However, do not confuse ordinary household drunkenness with alcoholism. In the first case, it is enough just to talk to a person. Perhaps everything will stop when the father's problems are solved or financial well-being improves. But often it is everyday drunkenness that smoothly turns into alcoholism. The question arises, how to determine that a parent is an alcoholic?

Signs of alcoholism

If the father drinks, then you need to pay attention to his behavior. The following signs indicate the onset of alcoholism:

• the person is often under the influence of alcohol;
• he often feels unwell;
• if he cannot drink, he is irritable and angry;
• in a state of intoxication, a person is often aggressive;
• even after long-term use of alcohol, the father does not have any nausea or vomiting.

• manifestations of withdrawal syndrome (after drinking, dad is very ill in the morning);
• he often treats bad morning feeling with a new dose of alcohol (he gets drunk);
• when the father drinks, his sleep suffers, insomnia appears;
• a person experiences anxiety, a sense of fear and anxiety.

At this stage, the father needs urgent treatment, as mental disorders will soon appear. A strong dependence on alcohol can make a man impotent, he develops cardiovascular diseases and other diseases. internal organs. All external manifestations of alcoholism are clearly expressed:

• hand tremor;
• swelling of the face and limbs;
• profuse salivation.

Your actions

Many unfortunate children wonder what to do if dad drinks often? To get started, you need to do the following:

1. Try to calm down and assess the situation. Maybe the father does not drink so much and often, and is not an alcoholic at all. Sometimes a child from worries about his mother, his life and family can exaggerate the problem. In such a situation, after you calm down, you need to tell your mother or one of your relatives about your feelings. It is important to consider how much and how often the father drinks. If this is a bottle of beer after work sometimes, and not a strong alcoholic drink every day, then there is no cause for concern yet.
2. You don't need to tell your father that you think he's an alcoholic. From this, he will not stop drinking, but only get very angry, even if at that moment he is in a sober state.
3. It is very difficult for many children to tell someone: I live with an alcoholic father. Often the problem is hushed up because of shame for their parents. But you need to tell one of the adults about the situation in the family. You can turn to people you can trust. It can be relatives, acquaintances, friends or parents of friends. First of all, after this, the child will feel better. In addition, they can advise what to do in this situation, since it is very difficult to solve such a problem on your own.
4. In order for dad to stop drinking, you can ask someone from the people whom the father trusts to talk to him. It could be your dad's parents, your grandparents, his friend or brother.

Attention: you should not involve outsiders to talk with dad and completely strangers. This will not help the father stop drinking, but will only anger him, ruin his reputation and create the impression of a dysfunctional family.

1. Answering the question of what to do if the father often drinks, the child can be advised to talk to a sober dad. Just don't do it when he's drunk. In a conversation, you do not need to tell your father - I live with an alcoholic. It is important to express your concern about the health of the pope without moralizing, reproaches and accusations. The conversation is better to build in this vein:

• you can start with memories of a joint trip, hike or games;
• then praise dad for sobriety, tell him how much you love him;
• then find reasons and explain why you like it so much when he is sober;
• at the end, try to put pressure on pity and burst into tears from the memories of what happened when dad was drunk (it is important that your tears and words are sincere, not a single parent can withstand the tears of a beloved child);
• ask him not to drink.

Actions in an emergency

You need to think in advance what to do if the father is on a drinking binge. If dad does not stop drinking for several days in a row, then in this state he can be dangerous to others and you. If there is no mother at home and you are alone, then it is better not to take risks and not stay in an apartment with a drunken inadequate father and his drinking companions. In this case, you should heed the following tips:

1. No need to forcefully take alcohol from dad or hide the bottle. From this, an inadequate drunk person can become aggressive and harm you.
2. Talking to your father and drinking buddies, trying to convince them to leave, is also pointless.
3. It's better for you to leave the house for a while. Just not just on the street, but go to relatives or friends.

You should also be aware of a serious condition called withdrawal symptoms. It occurs in alcoholics after alcohol withdrawal. That is, if a person drank for several days in a row, and then stopped himself or ran out of alcohol, then he becomes very ill. In this case, you need to call ambulance because severe withdrawal can result in coma, heart attack, stroke, or even death.

No matter how hard it is for you to contemplate a drunken father, you should understand a few simple truths and adhere to the following recommendations:

• Alcoholism is a disease, not a person's own desire. He should not be offended and condemned.
• Don't turn your back on your father. If his family and relatives leave him, he will simply get drunk and die. Such a patient should be supported in every possible way and helped to get out of this state.
• When dad comes away from drinking, he is very ill (withdrawal syndrome). In this state, he does not need to be left alone, be always there and support him so that he sees that someone else needs him and understands that in this life he still has something to fight for.
• All his attempts to stop drinking should be encouraged and supported on the way to a sober life.

If the child is already an adult

An adult son or daughter living their own lives can provide much more help to their drinking father:

1. To quickly stop the father's drinking, you can call a narcologist at home. He will detoxify the body and dad will feel better.
2. As soon as the father is sober, you should immediately contact a psychologist who will help identify and eliminate the cause of drunkenness.
3. If the father does not mind, he can be assigned for treatment to a narcological dispensary, where he will undergo further rehabilitation.
4. When dad makes a firm decision to take the path of sobriety, then you can help him put his life and apartment in order.
5. In no case do not keep your father company in drunken feasts. For you, this is dangerous because you have a bad heredity and can also join the ranks of people with alcohol addiction. If you think that dad will drink less alcohol with your participation, then he can easily find himself an additional dose elsewhere if he wants to.
6. After the father embarks on the path of a sober life, all alcohol must be removed from the house. Even family feasts and holidays should be celebrated without alcohol.

Content:

Alcoholism is a serious chronic disease, therefore sick people require appropriate attitude and attention. If the father suffered a stroke and became bedridden, you would not consider him an inferior person, would you? The same should be done with a parent who is under pernicious influence alcohol. Inadequate behavior of an alcohol addict is explained solely by his condition, has nothing to do with the manifestation of a bad character.

If you want to help an alcoholic father, show empathy and patience. It is difficult for any addicted person to face the manifestations of the withdrawal syndrome, and, as a result, completely refuse to drink alcohol. Frequent breakdowns and a return to drunkenness are the norm for a person who is really addicted. The medical practice of specialists of the Salvation drug treatment clinic confirms hundreds of cases when children whose fathers were in the grip of addiction were able to help a drinking relative. After getting rid of the addiction, your father will return to a normal person, return to work, his household duties and a fulfilling social life.

The first steps in the treatment of alcoholism - diagnosis

To begin treatment for alcohol addiction, try to make sure that your father really has such a problem. Often people do not even realize that their parent has a painful dependence on alcoholic beverages, write off the craving for alcohol as temporary difficulties, a desire to relax. The sooner alcoholism is diagnosed, the higher the patient's chances of recovery.

Psychologists, along with narcologists at the Salvation rehabilitation center, argue that it is possible to determine the initial stage of alcoholism by several characteristic features:

• The desire to reach for a bottle dominates over all other needs. The patient writes off this craving for the desire to relax, escape from everyday life.
• Loss of sense of proportion. Did you notice that during the feast, the father began to exceed his usual rate of alcohol? It's time to think about the consequences.
• Increased alcohol tolerance. After drinking in large quantities, a person does not have a hangover syndrome.
• Sleep disturbance, decreased appetite. He will use the next portion of the drink, the alcoholic can go to bed without thinking about what time it is and what he still has to do.

At the initial stage of alcoholism, it can be noted that as a leisure option, your father chooses activities where drinking is supposed to be.

Causes of father's alcoholism

To understand how to live with drinking father and to find powerful levers of influence on the current situation, it is important to understand the reasons for which the parent began to apply to the bottle. Specialists of the rehabilitation center "Salvation" identify several reasons why most of the fathers of the family drink. Most often, alcoholism manifests itself as:

• protest form. The father drinks to spite the household, believes that he was undeservedly underestimated.
• Desire to evoke pity. A person begins to drink alcohol to escape from everyday problems.
• Manifestation of weakness. Maintaining the company, a person with a weak warehouse of character, can imperceptibly get involved, turning drunkenness into a way of life.

Children whose father began to drink excessively need to understand the reasons why the parent embarked on a crooked path, based on this, choose the tactics of behavior. An alcoholic, for whom constant feasts have become a part of life, almost never admits his problem, has a bunch of excuses for the current situation for his relatives. If persuasion to undergo treatment does not have any useful effect, you should not wait until the situation worsens. Do you want to help your father? Contact the Salvation Clinic as soon as you notice danger signs dependencies.

How to deal with an alcoholic father?

A person who drinks not from time to time, but on an ongoing basis, becomes a real burden for the family. In order not to become a victim of codependency, to preserve your own personality, living with an alcoholic, psychologists at the Salvation drug treatment clinic recommend following a few simple rules:

• do not make scandals;
• abandon educational conversations, entrusting this task to specialists;
• to ensure that there is no opportunity to continue the binge, to the point of taking money away;
• not show pity and sympathy when the father is hungover;
• use calm methods of persuasion, abandon threats that cannot be realized.

Stop perceiving your father as a pest, try to understand that the parent has become a sick person, convince him to go through rehabilitation. If necessary, the specialists of the rehabilitation center "Salvation" are ready to go to the patient's house, to conduct an effective intervention, after which the majority of drinking people voluntarily agree to be hospitalized in a medical facility.

How can you help an alcoholic father?

It is almost impossible to save a loved one from alcohol addiction at home. Nevertheless, the specialists of the rehabilitation clinic "Salvation" recognize the right to the existence of such a technique, if we are talking about the initial stages of the disease. Treatment of alcohol addiction can be planned or emergency, carried out in a hospital clinic or at home.

When working with patients under the influence of alcoholism, the specialists of the Salvation clinic use several methods of influence:

• medical;
• psychological;
• social.

In advanced cases, successful treatment is possible only in a hospital setting. The period of rehabilitation of the patient directly depends on the stage of addiction, the personality characteristics of the person, as well as the presence of chronic diseases due to alcoholism, which can be regarded as a contraindication for the implementation of one of the methods.

Is there any chance that the father will stop drinking?

The statistics of narcologists with a worldwide reputation confirms that more than 90% of alcoholics are subject to treatment. Forecasts for the implementation of the therapeutic plan directly depend on when the patient's relatives asked for qualified help. It is possible to overcome physical craving for alcohol, regardless of the stage of the disease, in 5-7 days. The most difficult task in the treatment of alcoholism is to eradicate dependence on a psychological level.

To minimize the risk of recurrence of the disease, the clinic "Salvation" provides special courses and seminars for alcohol addicts and their relatives. In the format of individual or group consultations, psychologists of the rehabilitation center teach the patient to use the skills of self-control and introspection, to take right decisions. After being discharged from the alcoholics center, your father will be able to return to a full life, restore mental and physical health.

American psychologist Eric Burne put forward a hypothesis about predestination life path many - and even most - people of the so-called. "life scripts": human relationships, behavioral habits, and worldviews learned uncritically in childhood.

So, for example, psychological studies show that almost 60% of the daughters of alcoholics marry ... alcoholics!

Why is this happening? And how can the daughter of an alcoholic overcome her negative life script?

Wiki history

Vika is the daughter of an officer and a teacher. Her mother is energetic, strong-willed and authoritative, while her father was distinguished by a weak will. Addiction to cheerful companies and strong drinks made him eventually an alcoholic. However, Vika's mother did not divorce her husband: she was not - or did not consider herself - a particularly attractive woman: in her opinion, it is better to have an alcoholic husband than to live without a husband at all.

As a child, Vika had to go through a lot. Several times they hid with their mother at the neighbors while their father raged in the apartment. When sober, he always apologized, which seemed to his daughter even more unpleasant than his rampage.

Gradually she moved away from her father. Their communication became formal. The father hardly spoke to his daughter, she also avoided him. It was something like a cold war.

Father never really hit Vika's mother: he was afraid of his wife. However, there was a case when he swung an ax at her. Vika, like her mother, distinguished by a strong, resolute character, at that moment stood behind her father. She was then 15 years old, but she was already tall and strong, and her father was small in stature. She managed to push her father so hard from behind that he fell and hit hard.

However, Vika did not feel sorry for her father and believed that she had done well.

When Vika was 17 years old, her father died. He went fishing with his friends. They drank well and in this state went far into the lake (this is Lake Ladoga, as you know, the largest in Europe). A storm began, the boat capsized - and everyone died.

Neither Vicki's mother nor she herself was particularly worried about the death of her father.

Vika got married quite late. When the son Mitya was born, she and her husband began to gradually move away from each other. The husband often went away, and soon Vika realized that he was drinking. Scandals began.

So it took almost 5 years, and finally, they dispersed.

The ex-husband found another woman drinking. And Vika for some time - almost until the age of 30-35 - lived alone with her son and, according to her, felt good.

But then she became worried that she would be alone for the rest of her life. This anxiety led her to a psychologist.

Wiki Life Scenario Analysis

In the course of therapy, Vika realized that in her childhood she uncritically learned from her mother some worldview attitudes related to relationships with men, love and marriage.

1) A man is a means to create a family. Thanks to the husband, you can have a child, the husband brings money to the house. But he's not good for anything else.

2) Men often drink. This is natural and almost inevitable. The dignity of a woman is to endure and remain an honest wife and mother.

3) Attractive women are rare. Therefore, you should be happy if you have at least some kind of close man.

Thus, her scenario is something like this: get married without love, relations with her husband are cool, he will drink, and in the end you will completely move away from each other, but you will put up with it.

Only the last point did not quite come true. However, the initiator of the divorce is not Vika, but her husband.

Needless to say, Vika was not aware of these attitudes, which did not prevent her from acting in accordance with them. She admitted that she had never felt much love for her husband, but her age was no longer young, and she wanted to have a family. She did not know about his addiction to alcohol before the wedding.

As you can see, Vika chose her husband the same way as her mother, and her relationship with her husband is similar to the relationship of her parents.

She couldn't get over her script because she wasn't aware of it.

Why can the daughter of an alcoholic marry an alcoholic?

There are many reasons. Most often, a combination of several of the following factors leads to a repetition of the fate of the mother.

1. If the father drinks, then his behavior, appearance (even the smell, and, as you know, olfactory impressions for women have great importance), the attitude towards his wife and daughter is such that they repel his daughter from him. Such a man, as a rule, is not able to be attentive to his daughter, to give her the love that she needs so much.

It would seem that it is not difficult to act on the principle of "on the contrary" (not like parents, but vice versa), if not for one "but". It is written in the subconscious that my father and my mother are exemplary, reference men and women, so it is easier and more natural to build your life in their image and likeness. This is not even psychology, but physiology: the so-called phenomenon of imprinting. It's just easier that way: it doesn't require conscious effort, self-change.

In addition, the father is the first man in the life of every woman. His attitude towards his daughter is the standard against which she then compares the behavior of all the men who are interested in her.

2. The girl needs her father's approval, that he accepts her and loves her. An alcoholic father, as a rule, cannot give this. Children tend to take the blame for what is happening on themselves, it often seems to them that if they did something differently, then adults would behave differently. This is how an inferiority complex appears: the confidence of a girl, and then a woman, that she is unworthy of love.

3. Often, children who grew up in a family of alcoholics have a subconscious attitude: “I didn’t manage it, I had to do something differently, and then everything would be fine.” Together with a sense of guilt, it includes a mechanism for duplicating the situation, as it were, the formation of a second chance to overcome it and a false way out of the guilt complex.

4. Finally, children have phenomenal adaptive abilities. They adapt to anything, even the most abnormal relationships, managing to find something in them that satisfies them. So suffering can give significant bonuses: being a victim means guaranteed to receive the support of others; to be a mother's support - to maintain one's self-esteem, maturity, the ability to be "good" against the background of parents unable to solve their problems; keeping a distance in relationships with others (after all, you can not reckon with an alcoholic) is an opportunity to satisfy your inner needs without taking into account the opinions of your parents, and then other people.

As a result, the daughter of an alcoholic does not believe in herself, in her fullness as a woman, because she has no experience of relationships with a non-alcoholic man and she is afraid of being insolvent in such relationships. Therefore, without noticing it herself, she avoids non-drinking men - and eventually converges with the drinker.

It can be argued that attachment to one's own childhood experience Whatever it is, most of us have it. Fear of the new and the unknown is also a characteristic feature of most people.

Psychologist's help in overcoming a negative life scenario

First of all, the task of the psychologist is to help the client realize what drives her, since these driving forces that determine her life are still hidden from her.

She must see her fear and realize her attachment to the past, which makes her unfree. Her task is to internally distance herself from this experience.

Moreover, she needs to feel repulsion, even disgust, for such a life: life with an alcoholic.

By the way, 40% of the daughters of alcoholics who managed to create a normal family are just those girls who emotionally strove to escape at all costs from what surrounded them in childhood. This emotional rejection turned out to be stronger than attachment to the past and fear of the unknown. And they got over their script.

An important place is occupied by work on traumatic childhood experiences, and on a sense of self-worth, and on the entire system of beliefs and ideas of the client.

The first task of the psychologist is to strengthen the client's faith in herself, to help her believe in her feminine fullness, that love exists on Earth not only for other women, but also for her, that not everything is lost, that she needs not an ersatz, not only some kind of husband - but a loving and beloved person. That it is possible for her to meet him.

Such faith is valuable in itself: regardless of whether this meeting takes place or not.

The second big task is the actual awareness of the life scenario. Remember, above we talked about psychological benefits, that, in the end, a person adapts to the situation in which he lives and begins to satisfy part of his internal needs with its help. Understanding this means getting a chance to fulfill your need for love and support without playing the role of a victim. In therapy, you can learn to be happy without creating additional difficulties for yourself.

And, of course, this is the construction of a new life scenario, where there is no place for addiction and alcoholism.

Vika managed to understand herself, as she is a strong-willed person, able to be critical of herself and she really wanted to change her life.

She remarried at the age of 38, when Mitya was already 7 years old, and is much happier with her second marriage than her first.