How far can you leave, leaving the child, so that there is no injury? Store smart child Who will replace you

Question

Please tell me how an 8-month-old child will endure separation from his mother for 1 month?
The fact is that I need to go to a session in another city (150 km from us). My husband and I live together, grandmothers sometimes come. I want to leave it to my grandmother. But she, too, will sometimes need to go to work.
How the baby will endure that it will not always be the same person to feed and put him to bed (sometimes the husband, sometimes the grandmother is one, sometimes the other). And is it true that it is better not to come for the weekend, so as not to injure the child (I forgot, calmed down)? Is there a big need to take it with you? How to minimize psychological trauma in a child (if any)? Help me please!!!

Each child is unique, so I can’t predict the possible consequences of your monthly absence ... It’s good that dad remains next to the child in addition to grandmothers, who, as I understand, are not very frequent guests in your house. It's good that the child stays in his apartment, and does not go to live with his grandmother (if I understand correctly). Thus, the baby maintains a sense of constancy of the surrounding world, security.
In my opinion, if it is possible to come for the weekend, then it is better to do it - small children are not yet so hard "stuck" at moments of separation as older ones. This will allow you to keep in touch with the baby and will not give him the opportunity to seriously wean from you. On the other hand, after the first weekend, the reaction of the child will be visible, then options for subsequent behavior can be discussed ...
In my opinion, relatives should look at photographs with the baby, which depict you and him, your family. Explain in an accessible and not too emotional way (without guilt) that mom is studying, mom is taking exams and thinking about her baby all the time. She will definitely come.
You consider the option of taking it with you only if you have assistants in another city, housing conditions suitable for staying with a child and, most importantly, you will feel comfortable (you will be able to concentrate on the session and not worry, in reliable whether the hands of your baby).
“How the baby will endure what to feed and put him to bed will not always be the same person” - the main thing is that you set out in as much detail as possible how, what and at what time / sequence you do with the child. It is better if, a few days before departure, dad or grandmother trained with you in these regime moments. Good luck, confidence and peace!

Whether to leave?

Question

I have 2 children, 4 years and 8 months. I breastfeed my youngest.
On May holidays wanted to go on vacation together with her husband, and leave the children with their grandparents. But the closer the time of rest, the more doubts: "Is it worth it?". I don’t worry about the older one, but the younger one ... He is generally a “mommy”, I can’t move more than a meter away from him. I understand that this is age, but will my departure affect the child in the future? And if he refuses to breastfeed later, I would like to feed at least another six months ...
But on the other hand, I am tired, and I want to stay with my husband, and I want to leave for 4 days, and there is plenty of frozen milk.
But... IS IT WORTH???

Psychologist Anna Ershova answers

Indeed, a difficult situation. I understand how difficult it is for you to make a choice, because here you need to remember several points.
Firstly, if your baby is so strongly attached to you that it is very hard to experience separation, it may really not be worth worrying about for now. But does it happen that you leave him for a while, how does he react? How quickly does it calm down? If the child copes with his emotions quickly enough, and reliable loving people, then perhaps the situation will not look so tragic. There are such cases that the baby breaks up with his mother, sometimes even more than 4 days. And this is a very short period. After all, we are not talking about two weeks or a month.
Could it be that you yourself are very worried, and the child feels it? That's why he's afraid to let you go. Try to calm yourself and calm your baby. Tune in to the fact that nothing will happen to the baby during your trip.
Second point, your husband. The period of bearing a child and his first year of life are so stressful for the mother, requiring full attention to the baby, that, probably, sometimes a man feels left out, abandoned. The opportunity to spend time together will help you not only relax, but also return the feeling of love and care to the man.
Think again, weigh the pros and cons, and make a decision. Good luck to you!

Departure on a business trip

Question

Our daughter is 2 years old. Since May, I have to leave every month for a week on a business trip. Until now, my daughter has never spent the night without me, although during the day she stays with her dad, grandmother or nanny. In addition, I still feed her, so several times a night she wakes up to suck. I take her away at night with a breast, but when I'm not there, she can fall asleep without.
Will such business trips affect the psyche of the child and how to reduce the adverse effects of separation?

Reader Comment

I am surprised how in our country the Labor Code is violated right and left. And after all, if you refuse (like the mother of a child under 3 years old), they will threaten you with dismissal (and if you are protected by law here, then under a bad article)!
In general, I don’t know how a psychologist, but I think that all this greatly depends on contact with other family members and on the innate adaptive abilities of the girl herself ...

Question 2

Thank you for your participation, but I agreed out of good will, not under duress. And I can’t decide with whom it’s better to leave my daughter on the first business trip: with dad or grandmother? Her husband often stays with her for the whole day, they get along very well and love each other, and it is easier for him to put her to bed, he is calm and infects his daughter with calmness. But he does not "dissolve" in her, like a grandmother. It can be strict, and do its own thing or sit and watch TV, and it provides independence. I'm afraid my daughter might get bored with him. The grandmother, on the other hand, completely “dissolves” in her granddaughter, cannot do anything else with her, pampers her to the point of obscenity, so her daughter is very happy about her arrival and does not let go for a minute (even prefers her to me).
But my grandmother lives separately from us, so she is not so accustomed to laying down, etc., in addition, she is a pure choleric, so if something goes wrong with them, she will be very nervous. What do you think, huh?

Psychologist Galina Danilkina answers

It seemed to me that my father was quite able to cope with the assigned duties. And the grandmother can call in in a day or two, for example, for half a day: to play, take a walk. This is enough to make the child feel in demand, as well as a variety of communication and activities.
In principle, it all depends on your mood and the contact of your child. If you are ready for the fact that such business trips can provoke the curtailment of breastfeeding (a week is a long time, especially since it will be regular) - just offer your daughter an adequate replacement for evening / night feedings (this can be your expressed milk, kefir or just water - different mothers and children choose different substitutes that can be poured into a bottle, however, provided that she drinks from your bottle).
I am not sure of the correctness of such recommendations from the point of view of a specialist in breastfeeding. But from the point of view of the stereotype formed by the daughter, which must be supported in order for her to have confidence in the constancy of the conditions of existence during your absence, it is quite possible ...
In addition, explain in detail to close adults what the sequence of your evening procedures is - for example, dinner, quiet games or a fairy tale, bathing, sleeping. It is important that they do everything in this sequence and reproduce the content that the child is used to.
Offer your child a toy for sleeping, perhaps you will give your daughter a toy specifically for this purpose. Show how the toy goes to sleep in the baby's crib, let her sing a lullaby to her, shake it. Bed your child regularly with this toy.
Finally, rehearse the bedtime and night vigils without your participation. Such an experiment will show how wealthy your assistants are and what surprises can be expected during a real departure.
In general, if business trips are inevitable, try it for the first time and analyze how it will affect the state of your daughter. If sleep is not disturbed, the child will behave adequately, will not refuse food and react violently emotionally to your weekly absence, and, most importantly, will not become shy of you (more than 1-2 days - has the right to adapt!) after arrival - that means Everything went more or less well. You can continue to work, while remembering to carefully observe the behavior of your daughter and look for any red flags.

The first place where it would be good for a mother to go without a child shortly after giving birth is a hairdresser. Then - to the doctor. Buying clothes is also better, leaving the baby at home. And it's close to going to work. What if it's a business trip? At what age can you leave a child for an hour? And for a day? When and for how long can you leave, leaving the baby with dad or grandmother? And in what case will separation from your mother not be a trauma?

Parenthood is a very interesting ride that throws you from side to side. From "I want to be with the child every minute" to "I beg you, give me at least an hour to be alone."

Sometimes we need to go away on business, sometimes we need to meet friends, sometimes we need to go to work, and sometimes we just want to go on vacation. On a real vacation, with my husband alone. Without an inflatable crocodile, sandals on the beach and the eternal "Ma-a-am, buy it!". I want to lie in a sun lounger and drink mojitos, but not that's all.

And it's okay! Absolutely normal! This speaks of your psychological health and that in addition to the child in your life, it turns out that there are other interests.

But no matter how self-confident parents we may be, inside we still feel doubts. Should I leave the baby? How long can you stay away without hurting him? He'll be crying.

Yes he will cry

Bitter personal experience Trial and error and professional psychologists have taught me the following:

• First, you must accept that the child has every right to be sad, angry, even hysterical because of your departure. By themselves, these emotions do not harm him, they are normal.
• Secondly, it is important to understand that parents have the right to leave - to work, to meet friends, to live their lives. Many mothers themselves are not sure about this. They are tormented by feelings of guilt, at the first tears of a child they are ready to give up everything and not go anywhere. The child reads this and arranges scandals.
• Based on the first point (the child has the right to any emotions) - give the baby time to come to terms with the fact that you will soon leave. Start talking long before you leave about where and when you are going, why it is important, and so on. Even if this is a meeting with girlfriends, and not a mission to save the world, you can honestly say that you love your girlfriends very much and want to see them, that this is important to you. A child can cry, and you can feel sorry for him, help him cope with his emotions, show sympathy and understanding, and not say distantly: "Don't cry, not a little one!"
• Based on the second point (mother has the right to her life) - do not fawn, do not ask for forgiveness, be calm and benevolently confident. Do not try to bribe the baby - "but I will bring you a present from work." Don't turn leaving into a trade.

Salvation Ritual

It would be nice to develop a ritual of your departure - any rituals, traditions, repetition soothe. For example:

• Put imaginary kisses in the baby's pockets - if he misses you, let him get your kiss out of his pocket.
• Put your handkerchief or any other thing in your child's pocket, tell him to keep it, and you will soon come and check it.
• Waving your hand out the window and blowing kisses.
• If you have a horseshoe pillow, tell your baby it's a hug pillow and she will hug him if he gets sad without you.
• Together, jump three times and sit down twice before you leave - even such a stupid ritual can calm you down.

“Another option for such cases is to prepare a certain one, whose mother also left on business. And leave it with the child so that he cheers this toy, for example, a bunny. And when he returns home, return the toy to his mother. ".

This incomprehensible work

It's great to occasionally take your child to work if possible. So that he understands where the parent disappears. To understand what you are doing when you are not near him.

From work (or where you go there), you can bring some little thing to the baby. It doesn't have to be a cool gift - just an apple, or your drawing, or a bouquet of autumn leaves, anything. This "whatever" will show the baby that you are thinking about him even when you are not together.

Most importantly, say goodbye before leaving. There is nothing worse than a parent suddenly disappearing. Even if the child begins to hysteria and cling to his legs - say goodbye and leave. Imagine that your husband will disappear somewhere in the middle of the day. Was at home and disappeared. And you can't call him! Nice?

“For me, these disappearances are just the most incomprehensible trick. I remember how, as a child, in the village with my grandmother, my mother said that she went to the toilet, and she herself left for Kiev! to this day."

Go to the toilet only when you are alone. Yes, it will yell at the door. But this is the best training for breaking up with mom. The best handling of fear. Because you are guaranteed to get out of the toilet, and pretty soon - and so every day several times. The baby is delayed - the mother leaves, but always returns.

Always prepare your child in advance for long breakups. No need to leave suddenly for a week. Do you know what you will be in the hospital in 8 months? From the beginning of pregnancy, train parting - first for half a day, then for a day, then for a day, then for two. For many such times, the child will remember - yes, mom can leave, but she always comes back. Then your departure will not cause any damage. But if you were always with the child, and then abruptly disappeared for 3-5 days, and even returned home with a brand new baby, the older one will have a hard time.

It’s better to train separations in any case, even if you are not going to leave for the hospital. Because there are a million situations in life when you need to leave suddenly. Hospitalization, for example. If a son or daughter is at least sometimes left without you, this will not become a horror. And if before that you are together 24/7 and everything is tied to you - maybe.

"Reading fairy tales where the mother parted with the child (in folk tales this all the time) is also a kind of training for our children. Very gentle compared to real breakups. And there, too, there is always a good ending and a reunion. Moreover, the hero (child) acquires some qualities due to this parting (short feasible stress). This, of course, is relevant for older children, after five years. Nevertheless, it helps a lot to tune in to a good mood.

You can also compose and play such fairy tales with children through dolls, cars, animals. How mom and baby lived, how mom had to leave, how she entrusted the baby to another adult, how the baby was worried at first, and then found something good for himself in this situation, and then mom returned. Approximately such a scheme. Checked - it works!

• Leave your photos in a conspicuous place at home.
• Let those who stayed with the baby always tell him that his mother left, but still loves him very much and will definitely return. Directly repeat like a mantra.
• Leaving for a few days, you can leave surprises for the baby at home, which he will regularly find.

“Maybe my experience will be useful to someone. I always leave small parcels for children for every day and sign, for example, “Cooking - 1st day.” As a result, the child receives a parcel a day. Inside is some kind of small sweet or something creative. So the children every day with the news from me and count down how many days are left until my return. Soon I'm leaving again for 5 days, and they are already waiting for my departure!"

• Video calls are great! Ordinary calls are also possible. Don't ask, "How are you doing in the garden?" Just say, "I love you very much and will definitely be back." Even if the baby runs away from the tube and "does not listen", ask the adult who is next to him to this moment, turn on the speakerphone.
• It is good to leave the mother's T-shirt (nightie) to the child, which smells of her. Not washing powder and not spirits! And mom. That is, an unwashed thing. You can put him in the crib, you can make a pillowcase out of a T-shirt.

"I was 8 years old when my mother was admitted to the hospital, and then I remember walking around the apartment with her nightgown. She really smelled like mom."

If mom left unexpectedly - and for a long time

And a little personal.

When my eldest son was four months old, I left him for ten days. The son stayed with her husband and assistant. It can be said that my husband forced me to leave - he saw that postpartum depression covered me with my head. It seems to me that he was afraid that I would go crazy - after all, I sobbed uncontrollably almost every day. I have to admit, I needed this vacation.

It is also worth recognizing that these ten days of my absence greatly traumatized Dima.

I didn't realize it right away, of course. Immediately it seemed to me that the child did not notice that I was leaving. But as it grew, we began to encounter different features of its behavior, I began to dig what and where, why, how to solve the problem. And in everything I came across the fact that, probably, the root of the problem is in my then sudden departure. Tantrums, late speech, aggression, fears and much more. I can not list everything - this is Dimino's personal.

Then I began to systematically work on the restoration of attachment, and the improvement went almost immediately. But there are still some consequences (and he is already 6 years old). For example, he is still the only one of the children who regularly comes to us at night (checks if his mother has disappeared).

Taught by bitter experience, I never left Lev and Tikhon for long. And I don’t plan to leave it for more than three days until three years.

If a sudden breakup has already happened, and you think that this could traumatize the child, then pull this story out of the subconscious. Periodically, once every six months, for example, tell that when he was just a baby, such a story happened. That you are sorry, but there was no other way out then. You understand that he was bored and sad. Even, probably, he was afraid that you would not return. But even when you were not around, you always loved him, missed him and, most importantly, returned to him. Fear, pulled out of the subconscious, ceases to be fear pretty soon.

Personally, I do not consider it a terrible trauma to leave a child in a maternity hospital for full term when you visit him once a day. I don't see it as a problem either. kindergarten and my mother's going to work. All this can provoke childish sadness, but this is a regularly repeated story - you leave, but after a few hours you return steadily.

The sudden disappearance of mom for a long time is another. But even that can go unnoticed. It depends on hundreds of different circumstances. Do not look for a problem in this if everything is in order. And if you understand that this traumatized the child, you should know that all this as a whole can be corrected/repaired/worked out. There would be a desire.

How does the fear of losing love arise?

At one of the seminars of the neuropsychologist Valentina Paevskaya, I learned about the fear of losing love that develops in children under three years of age if a loved one leaves somewhere for a long time. Especially mom. That this fear remains with a person for life.

Such people then seem to be forever trying to earn someone's love. They try to be good, "serve" even to the detriment of themselves. For example, men with fear of losing love immediately bring 100 roses to the first date, fill up with expensive gifts, show off as if out of place. Not because they are "drawn", but because they are afraid of losing love.

And women with fear of losing love often suffer from an excellent student complex - and she must look stunning, and raise three children, and please her husband, and at home to be perfectly clean, and earn money, even if the temperature is 39 ...

Listening to this, I learned a lot about myself. Even my husband said: "It's definitely you." But why all of a sudden? After all, I was with my mother all my childhood, I never parted. Or I don't remember it?

Arriving home from a lecture, I asked my mother if she ever left me for a long time as a child. At first she couldn’t remember, and then she suddenly says: “Yes, I did! When you (my twin sister and I) were 2 years old, I took you to my grandmother in Tbilisi, and I went to study in Moscow myself. For about four months.”

Guess I don't remember it at all. All my life I lived with the idea that in childhood I was always with my mother! And I also wondered why I have problems with attachment? Where does the fear of losing love come from? And then 4 months at a preconscious age in a foreign country!

Do you think I got mad at my mom? No! On the contrary, I exhaled directly and thanked her for remembering this episode. I found a piece of the missing puzzle. Everything immediately fell into place. And the fear of losing love from the subconscious went into the "consciousness", and from this almost immediately disappeared.

“When my daughter was 1.5 years old, I couldn’t leave her with anyone. I started to have neurosis, a feeling of guilt that I had to leave for work, it seemed to me that my daughter would stop loving me. At the same time, the child calmly let me go. working with a psychologist, it turned out that at about the same age my parents gave me to my grandmother, and took me away only for the weekend.This separation was not easy for me.And the whole bunch of problems I have with my mother in the future, and fears of leaving the child - all because sudden separation."

Good evening!

you have the right to apply to the guardianship and guardianship authorities for registration of temporary guardianship of the grandmother over the child. to do this, you and your spouse must submit a joint application, as well as confirm the need for temporary absence and the impossibility of exercising parental rights due to work in another city. you should be guided by the provisions of the law "On guardianship and guardianship", as well as the Family Code of the Russian Federation.

A grandmother will be able to become a guardian (trustee if the child is over 14 years old) if:

Federal Law "On guardianship and guardianship"

Article 10

1. The requirements for the personality of a guardian or custodian are established by the Civil Code Russian Federation, and when establishing guardianship or guardianship in respect of minors, also by the Family Code of the Russian Federation.

Article 13

1. Parents may submit a joint application to the guardianship and guardianship authority for the appointment of a guardian or custodian for their child for the period when, for valid reasons, they will not be able to perform their parental duties, indicating a specific person. The act of the body of guardianship and guardianship on the appointment of a guardian or custodian at the request of the parents must indicate the period of validity of the guardian or custodian.
3. A guardian in relation to a minor citizen who has reached the age of fourteen years may be appointed by the body of guardianship and guardianship at the request of such a minor citizen, indicating a specific person.
4. When appointing a guardian or curator in the cases provided for by parts 1, 2 and 3 of this article, the requirements for the identity of the guardian or trustee by part 1 of article 10 of this Federal Law must be met.
5. The body of guardianship and guardianship shall adopt an act on the refusal to appoint a guardian or trustee of a person indicated by the parent or parents of a minor citizen or a minor citizen himself who has reached the age of fourteen years, only if such an appointment is contrary to civil law or family law or the interests of the child

Family code:

Article 146. Guardians (custodians) of children

1. Only fully capable persons of full age may be appointed guardians (custodians) of children. Cannot be appointed as guardians (custodians):
persons deprived of parental rights;
persons who have or had a criminal record, are or have been subjected to criminal prosecution (with the exception of persons whose criminal prosecution has been terminated on rehabilitating grounds) for crimes against life and health, freedom, honor and dignity of a person (with the exception of illegal placement in a psychiatric hospital, slander and insults), sexual inviolability and sexual freedom of the individual, against the family and minors, public health and public morals, as well as against public safety, peace and security of mankind;
persons who have an unexpunged or outstanding conviction for grave or especially grave crimes;
persons who have not undergone training in the manner prescribed by paragraph 6 of Article 127 of this Code (except for close relatives of children, as well as persons who are or were adoptive parents and in respect of whom the adoption was not canceled, and persons who are or were guardians (trustees) children and who have not been removed from the performance of their duties);
persons who are in a union concluded between persons of the same sex, recognized as a marriage and registered in accordance with the laws of the state in which such a marriage is permitted, as well as persons who are citizens of the said state and are not married.
2. When appointing a guardian (trustee) to a child, the moral and other personal qualities of the guardian (trustee), his ability to perform the duties of a guardian (trustee), the relationship between the guardian (trustee) and the child, the attitude towards the child of family members of the guardian (trustee), and also, if possible, the desire of the child himself.
3. Persons suffering from chronic alcoholism or drug addiction, persons suspended from the duties of guardians (trustees), persons with limited parental rights, former adoptive parents, if the adoption is canceled through their fault, as well as persons suffering from illnesses, are not appointed guardians (trustees). , in the presence of which a person cannot accept a child under guardianship, guardianship, take him into a foster or foster family (paragraph 1 of Article 127 of this Code). Medical examination of persons wishing to take under guardianship (guardianship), in a foster or foster family of children left without parental care, is carried out within the framework of the program of state guarantees of free provision to citizens medical care in the manner established by the federal executive body authorized by the Government of the Russian Federation.

Civil Code:

Article 35
2. Only adult capable citizens may be appointed guardians and curators. Citizens deprived of parental rights, as well as citizens who, at the time of establishing guardianship or guardianship, have a conviction for an intentional crime against the life or health of citizens, cannot be appointed guardians and trustees.