If your parents don't care about your future. My parents don't care about my mental health. How not to fall into the trap of forbidden feelings

Hello, my name is Olya. The problem is that I have been thinking about suicide for as long as I can remember, since childhood I dreamed of dying and all because my parents don’t give a damn about me. Mom is constantly at work, she is not up to me, dad generally said that he wanted a son, beat him hard in childhood, for him only a brother exists, my father always said that I was a badass, although I don’t smoke, don’t drink, work, study. HIS insults are so offensive to me that I want to jump off the bridge, he never hugged me, never talked to me like a father and daughter, no material support. We often moved from one city to another (dad is a military man), there are not many friends, but I have enough. I don’t know what to do, I wanted to rent an apartment, but I can’t pull it. He'll never change, it's better to die
Support the site:

Olya, age: 20 / 15.07.2011

Responses:

Hello Olya!
And for whom is it better to die? For your dad, what if he doesn't care? For you, but then the worst begins - hell, and there is no way to change everything ... Do you think this is the best?
You know, you just stop proving to everyone that you're good and let them go. Better go to church and pray that the Lord will help you love yourself for who you are. Ask the Lord to fill your life with meaning and send into your life those people who will love you and perceive you for who you are, and they will not have to prove anything. Go to the Lord and He will definitely help you.
May God bless you!

Aleana, age: 41 / 07/15/2011

Well-wisher, age: 18 / 16.07.2011

Hello Olya! I, like you, only wanted to die before. I have a younger brother. As a child, it seemed to me that my parents loved him more than me. And with personal life, everything did not work out. But now I don’t think about death, no matter how hard it is for me. I have three kids! They became the meaning of my life, that outlet, that joy, that love that I always lacked. You live, Olenka, life will get better, your parents love you deep down, they just don’t know how to show it. And further. Turn to God, he always helps. Write.

Capa, age: 36 / 07/16/2011

What does mom say about this? Doesn’t she see anything or what? If everything is as you described, then you don’t have parents, in old age you don’t have to take care of anyone, let your brother do it, be patient a little, unlearn, go to work and leave

Julia, age: 31 / 17.07.2011

“They don’t like me”, “What if my parents don’t give a damn about me”, “If I leave, no one will notice.” Do you think these are the thoughts of some next? Unfortunately no. These and similar questions are asked by children, asking for help from the experts of the site "I am a Parent" and at intervals of several times a week.

With a high probability, visitors to the site for responsible moms and dads will be surprised if they recognize their child among the children who have asked such questions. How? You give him all the best! Give expensive gifts, help with studies.

It may come as a revelation to the parent that the child needs more conversations about how the parent feels about him and about the reciprocity of those feelings.

The effect of "hidden" feelings

Unfortunately, in many families it is not customary to express emotions: “Don’t cry!”, “Why are you angry, it’s just a doll”, “Don’t be sad, we will buy you new toy"Don't laugh so loud, it's indecent." If we generalize these frequent and familiar phrases that we say, sometimes to our adult friends to express sympathy, we get the same meaning: “You cannot feel.”

Where do these reactions come from? It’s just that once we also received a “ban on feelings” from our parents, and now we pass it on to our children in one or another modified form.

The effect of "hidden" emotions occurs when we prevent our children from expressing sadness, joy, anger, resentment, and even joy. If little child say “don’t cry” when he fell and was slightly hurt, “don’t whine” when he begs for a toy, “don’t laugh out loud” when he is having fun, then sooner or later he concludes: you can’t feel.

Let's see how it happens.

7 Parental Bans on Feelings

1. Parent intentionally forbids feeling

It seems to the parent that if the child is given too much attention, then he will grow up capricious and selfish. Perhaps there is a motive in this model spartan education. It is usually used for boys and often in families where parents are quite successful in their careers. Parents act according to the principle: “Throw it into the river - it will swim out on its own”, I myself achieved everything, my child will also cope. Otherwise, how will he survive without me?

And the child will most likely be fine. Only then you should not be surprised that he doesn’t give a damn about you and your problems either. After all, he did everything himself, just like you.

The situation may be similar to the previous one, with the only difference that here mothers and fathers do not do this on purpose.

Parents are only interested in the achievements of their child, and his feelings remain insignificant compared to the next victory. Paying attention solely to the result and being interested in grades at school (and not events), you give the child a signal: "you can only be loved when you have achieved something." The child begins to depend on your positive or negative assessment.

In such an environment, they are nurtured, ready to put everything on the altar "praise me, please."

3. The parent does not allow the child to rejoice

This may seem like a fantastic ban to you, but it is very common. It’s as if a gene has been sewn into us: “rejoicing is bad, this will surely be followed by retribution.” Suffice it to recall the well-known proverb "you can not laugh a lot, then you will cry."

Imagine: you are sitting on the couch in front of the TV after a hard day at work, and then the child runs up to you with loud exclamations: “Mom / dad, look, I drew a cloud!”. You look at him with an adult bewildered look, not understanding the reason for the joy. Or you will begin to “calmly explain” to the child that you are very tired and want to rest, which will also not please the child.

At this point, the level of significance of their positive emotions in the child is rapidly falling. And in order to block the source of joy, just a few similar situations are enough.

4. Parents compete for their child's feelings.

Remember this ridiculous situation when a child is asked a popular but strange question: “Who do you love more - mom or dad?”.

This question, like many other questions comparing mom and dad, cannot be answered.

The child loves both parents, but may be closer to one of them. At some point, he begins to hide his feelings so as not to offend anyone.

5. Parents spend more time with the other child

In families with several children, parental inattention can be felt especially strongly: it seems that someone is given more attention, someone less. Children know how to read all emotions in the early stages: and they are unlikely to be deceived.

Parents may unconsciously be interested in only one of the children if he has problems, and forget about those who are "all right".

As a result, the “everything is fine” child begins in best case, at worst, closes in on itself and stops any contact with parents.

6. Parents make the child responsible for their emotions.

It happens that parents themselves have not yet become adults and have not experienced their traumatic situations. Such parents need an adult who would take on the role of mom or dad and listen to them. But not everyone is ready to apply.

What's happening? Infantile parents begin to "trust" their child. They complain about a difficult life, as a rule, often get sick and like to talk about it - and the child has no choice but to take responsibility for everything that happens.

Psychologists call this situation "parentification": the child takes the place of the parent and does not allow himself to show negative emotions in his direction: after all, mom or dad is already suffering so much.

7. Parents pay off negative childhood emotions

Unfortunately, almost all parents do this. Isn't it very easy to calm a crying baby who wants a toy just by buying it?

Paying off children with games and entertainment, we also forbid them to show emotions. How does the child perceive it? You teach him that any negative emotion can be “eaten”, “play” - replaced by material goods. If parents often do this, then consumers, gamers, chubby sweet-tooths then grow out of children - depending on what they paid off with.

How not to fall into the trap of forbidden feelings?

In all the cases listed above, parents will have to change their behavior if they want to establish the right emotional contact with the child again. How to do it?

First, allow yourself to experience different emotions. You cannot help your child if you are not aware of how you feel. To do this, you can go through or start a diary of your emotions. It's important to remember that awareness of emotions requires being alone, so make time for this.

As you begin to understand yourself better, begin to tune in to the "wave" of the child's emotions: listen and ask him about what he is experiencing. This may not happen right away, because children express emotions in a different way, often through play. Watch the child. After a while, you will understand when he is sad, when he is angry.

Help your child name this feeling: “You are angry now,” “You may be scared,” “You are jealous.” This allows children to give something unfamiliar, unpleasant and scary certain forms and boundaries. When a child knows what he feels, he is no longer afraid: emotions become normal human manifestations.

The most obedient children check from time to time whether it is possible to disobey their parents? The main type of test is a test of the stability of parents before a child's attack, when the child suddenly stops obeying and actively insists on his desires. A child throws a challenge to parents! If you show a child weakness here, the child understands that parents can be outplayed. And he starts using it.

J. Dobson writes: "I once had to talk to the mother of a very naughty thirteen-year-old boy who scorned the slightest hint of parental authority. He did not return home until two in the morning and defiantly ignored any demands from his mother. Assuming that this problem didn't come up today, i asked the woman to tell me how it all started.she remembered it quite clearly.her son was not even three years old when one day, while putting him to bed, she got spit in the face.

She explained to him how important it was not to spit in her mother's face, but her speech was interrupted by another spit. This woman was convinced that all disagreements should be resolved through discussions, in the spirit of love and mutual understanding. So she wiped her face and began her speech again - and once again she received a well-targeted shot of saliva. Growing disconcerted, she shook her son, but not hard enough to ward off another spit.

What was she to do? Her philosophy did not offer her a worthy response to this overwhelming challenge. Finally, in desperation, she ran out of the room, and the little victor's spitting after her hit the slammed door. The mother lost the fight, but the son won. The woman, with pain and irritation, confessed to me that since that time she had never been able to defeat her son!

Every child once decides to test their parents for strength.
If the parents lost this fight, the child will fight with them all his life.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​None of the parents wants to get into hard fights with their own children, but, in fact, hard fights happen only to those parents who have already “launched” the situation, who before this missed small calls from the child. The first trials of the child are only trials, the child challenges the parents still uncertainly, and here it is not difficult for the parents to show firmness. Do it!

Danila is 1 year old, usually she listens to her parents easily. This time he climbed onto the sofa, stretched out his hand to the picture hanging on the wall, and looks at his mother. "Daniel, come to me!" - does not go. He shook the picture and looks at his mother - what will be the reaction? “Daniel, you can’t touch the painting. Come here, otherwise I’ll punish you” - Continuing to look at my mother, he shook the picture strongly again: what will happen? Mom calmly put Danila in a corner, he sobbed defiantly for five minutes. Then he calmed down, his mother called him, explained again that the picture should not be touched. Although the point is not that Danila did not know this: this time he checked what would happen if he did not obey his mother?

If the parents win the first fight with the child, after that they will have a good relationship for many years.

On the other hand, sometimes anxious parents see a child's challenge where there is none at all. When a child throws “Mom, I hate you!” in your face, it may not mean anything, and immediately “shoot” the child (How dare you! So that I don’t hear this again! ) Here early. Most often, the child is simply angry at you and does not know how to express their feelings in a civilized way: here you need not be angry with the child, but calmly teach how such problems are solved.

"I see that you are angry with me. It's not scary, you can stomp your feet if you want, so angry feelings come out faster. But you know the procedure: first you put away your toys, we watch TV only after that. Can I help you?"

In a fight with children, those parents lose who, it seems, are completely children themselves and are used to playing helplessness.

"My daughter, she is four years old, turns on the TV herself after I turned it off. So that I do not say, she cries loudly at this time and shows with her appearance that she does not hear anything!" - dear mother, if you cannot cope with the child, at least cope with the TV: you can pull out the power cord (or other part) from it and take it away. And you don’t need to say anything: you will start the conversation only after the daughter calms down and stops crying. This is the alphabet that any child from the age of two or three knows (should already know): “While you are crying, I don’t understand you. If you want to ask me for something, you need to stop crying and tell me everything calmly, so that I can understand you."

Sometimes you can slap hard. Once. One hard spank at the age of three or four years and after that fifteen years quietly be friends with smart kid- better than pampering a child in childhood and swearing with him all subsequent years. The authority of parents is strengthened when, in a situation where a child is testing parental stability, parents show reasonable firmness. If the parents are worthy, then there is no need to quarrel with the parents, there is no need to rebel against them. On good terms, you can negotiate with your parents, but you can’t demand from your parents what you want. Teach this to the kids!

Parents often underestimate the impression that talking to them "in an adult way" makes on children. Try it! At least for a five-year-old daughter to cry "If you are like that, I will leave you!" you can calmly explain: “I understand you, but you won’t succeed. The fact is that we are your parents, and we have a civic duty to take care of you. And you are obliged to obey us. If you want, we will call other elders, and Will they explain to you how your daughter should behave? Such reflection is much more effective than screams and tears.

But what if the time has already been lost, and a somewhat impudent teenager is already growing next to us? Moms usually give in in such cases, dads solve such issues easier, but they are also often afraid to remind the child about the rights of parents and the duties of children. Do not be afraid, it is useful and simply necessary. Alternatively, introduce him to the legal side of the case, write him a letter like this ...

Dear child!

The relationship between parents and children is regulated by the Family Code of the Russian Federation. In accordance with article 63 "The rights and obligations of parents in the upbringing and education of children" -

1). Parents have the right and duty to raise their children. Parents are responsible for the upbringing and development of their children. They are obliged to take care of the health, physical, mental, spiritual and moral development of their children.

It is not a question whether we want it or not: we, parents, are obliged to do it.

2). Parents are obliged to ensure that their children receive a basic general education and create conditions for them to receive a secondary (complete) general education.

I translate: parents are responsible for ensuring that the child goes to school and learns normally there. If the parents do not do this, they are summoned to the guardianship authorities and deprived of parental rights.

Also, in accordance with the law, parents are obliged to support their minor children, that is, to give them everything necessary for their healthy life and development. But buying things for children that they will show off to their peers is not the responsibility of parents. Also, the child does not have the right to entertain himself with games. How much and when our children will have fun - we, the parents, decide, thinking about the affairs of the family and the future of our children - the future for which we are obliged to prepare our children. Parents are not required to buy toys for their child to entertain them.

Everything that the parents bought for the child remains the property of the parents. Children have all these things in safekeeping mode and use them on the terms that their parents have formulated for them. If children use their things or toys incorrectly, parents take them away. If you behave badly, you will lose your computer and phone.

And yet, our dear child. Pay attention: in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation, your parents have no obligation to serve your desires, prepare breakfast for you when you can do it yourself, and there are no obligations to buy you what you want: a computer, a new phone, and other things that you already have. all your friends. They can do it if you behave with dignity.

Understand, this needs to be discussed only once in a lifetime! Dear parents, if you are strong and successful people (at least at work), show your fighting qualities at home: you are doing it for the sake of children! If a teenage son and daughter refuses to obey, you always have every right to calmly (or not calmly) say: “Son, do I understand you correctly that you don’t want to be a member of our family now, to obey your parents? In fact, we have the legislation of the Russian Federation. I have to take care of you…” You may be interrupted: “You don’t have to take care of me, I’m already an adult!” - In response to this, calmly explain to your not quite adult child the legal situation:

"No, you are mistaken, you are not yet an adult. You will get the rights of an adult when you are 18 years old and you start earning to support yourself. If you refuse to obey your parents and do not want to be a member of our family, I suggest going to department of guardianship, we are placing you in an orphanage, and you will live there.In the meantime, we are taking away your computer and other entertainment that seems to prevent you from thinking well.If you do not want to live in good, we will live in bad: it is for you There is another suggestion: if you want to physically rage, then it’s better to immediately call the police and warn about your intentions, otherwise we will have to do it. "

If a child knows that you and your words are worth something, and over the years the mind has nevertheless appeared in his head, he will hear you. And everything will get better!

Videos from Yana Happiness: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn't be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.

hello..i'm 16..and i have a family trouble...my mom doesn't give a damn about me...

it didn’t start right away, before everything was fine .. my mom divorced my dad when I was 9 months old ... I didn’t see my father for 4 years later ... he appeared and disappeared throughout his life, but we’ll return to him later ... my mother raised me with my grandparents, while my mother was in Moscow at work, I was with my grandmother in the village .. there was always a lack of both father and mother, then at the age of 5 my mother took me to Moscow, I, like all children, went to the kindergarten .. then to the first grade .. until the 5th grade everything was fine and then, according to my mother, a “transitional age” began ... I tried my best to survive all my experiences, but not always helped in this situation, but if something happened, she stood up for me ... and I had her support, I knew that no matter what happened, I have a mother ... then my stepfather appeared at my mother ... we immediately developed a good relationship and we understood each other from the floor of the word, he always supported me, loved me like his own daughter ... we lived like a real family, which I always dreamed of ... and everything was fine ... then my mother and stepfather began to quarrel a lot. ..yes, and my mother met one young man ... of course, I understood that my mother and stepfather could no longer live ... and my stepfather moved out, but we still talked with him ... I, like all children, wanted my mother to be happy, I saw that she is happy with him, she is happy, rejuvenated, there was a sparkle in her eyes ... but I was not happy for long .. my mother began to disappear leaving me at home alone .. I was 13 years old and I was quite independent .. I could cook, washed and cleaned. ..but the fact that she just left for a few days ... didn’t pick up the phone, hung up just killed me .. but I was silent .. because my mother was happy and I didn’t want to spoil anything for her .. there were regrets when patience was already honest not enough .. just when she was really needed she wasn’t there .. when the first love was too emotional, she didn’t hear me ..

but it was not only about my mother, but also about her young man .. he was 15 years younger than her .. at first he seemed like a cheerful normal guy ... I treated him well until he started mistreating my mother ... he disappeared when he needed to go somewhere with friends, or just hang out ... he left his mother ... and then when he took a walk he returned to her .. he rushed to her and still rushes .. he drowned in it ... stopped communicate with her friends when they told her their opinions about him, she didn’t swear at them .. he actually used it and still uses it ... when he needs to go somewhere, she takes him ... something needs to be bought buys ... I didn’t ask her for money in principle ... I never begged ... I bought clothes in a rare case ... I didn’t go to all sorts of cafes and movies at concerts ... but she always priked me, then I was from her I only need money .. that I’m not doing anything, and it’s already starting to infuriate me specifically ... when I didn’t have enough patience, I said my opinion about her life know that her boyfriend uses her .. that he does not respect her .. and I’m not pleased that he treats her like that .. then she hit me and covered me with all sorts of nasty things .. she started to put pressure on the patient .. on her father ... at least dad he was not present in my life, I always loved him ... at the age of 14 I realized that he didn’t need me and he didn’t give a shit whether I was alive or not .. but I loved .. maybe because I look so much like him .. such quarrels became constant both about money and about her boyfriend ... I already turned a blind eye to her relationship ... let her live as she wants ... but the quarrels continued .. most often they were when he spoiled her mood or they again she came home and took out her anger on me .. and constantly put pressure on the fact that I was sucking money from her .. I got tired of it and I went to work ... from morning to evening I worked and, like all people, got tired ... I just came home and fell from fatigue ... and when it was the weekend I just wanted to sleep off ... my mother demanded that I clean up .. I did the cleaning if possible, but when not, she again rolled scandals .. I explained to her that I work and also get tired and sometimes I just want to relax ... she answered what's the use of my work if I don’t bring money to the house ... now we have a housing division .. she constantly became to say that I'm stopping her from living a normal life, that I work only for myself ... but the fact that I have neither free time nor personal life worried her at all ... and her boyfriend constantly insists that I don’t respect her, nothing I don’t do that I’m mediocre .. that my father did the right thing that he refused me and honestly I don’t have the strength to live like this. I just don’t want to come home ... I tried to talk to her more than once about this, so again she doesn’t hear me, I’m trying to snap at her that I’m only 16 years old and I need a mother, that I need life .. she doesn’t listen to me wants...on this moment we don’t talk to her .. I wash and clean only after myself, I buy food with my own money for myself, I dress myself and save money for moving ..