When can you leave a child with a grandmother. Is it worth leaving the child at the grandmother's for the night? Negative effects of a long separation

A long separation from the mother is always a serious psychological trauma for the baby. But what if circumstances are stronger than us? Of course, it is better to leave a child with a grandmother, a person close and dear to him. But even for short partings, the child needs to be prepared.

When can you start leaving your baby with other people?

Psychologists believe that up to eight months it is better for a child not to be left without a mother for a long time without an urgent need. After all, the realization that the mother is something separate from him does not come to him immediately. For a newborn mother: his whole world. Without him, he is scared and lonely.

Much less stress will be if he only sometimes stays for an hour or two with a person he knows well in his own house, in his usual surroundings. However, this should be done as little as possible. If the mother is still breastfeeding, it should be noted that the simultaneous weaning and loss of the mother (which is how he understands her unexpected departure) can be a double stress.

Moreover, small children who are left without a mother for a long time also suffer physically. The consequences of such stresses are described in sufficient detail in the medical literature: children become lethargic, they may refuse to eat, their sleep worsens, reflexes decrease, a tendency to catch colds, etc.

It is difficult to say exactly at what age a child can be left with grandparents. It all depends on the specific situation. In most cases, only after 1-1.5 years, the child gradually develops a desire to be independent. A long separation from the mother in a child older than one and a half years is less painful. At this time, he is already beginning to form a desire to be independent and the desire to get to know the world around him better. Only at three or four years old is the baby fully ready to make new social contacts.

Negative effects of a long separation

Even the most sociable baby experiences suffering in the absence of a mother, especially in cases where she disappears for a long time. His separation from his mother, unfortunately, has enough negative consequences:

when, over time, due to resentment, he can completely lose emotional contact with his mother, and it will be very difficult to restore it.

No matter how loving grandparents are, the child will always need you. Even if you often leave home for a long period, try to give him as much free time as possible. Otherwise, the child will suffer even more.

Positive points

If a child knows his grandparents well, loves them, he will get a lot of positive emotions with them: they are much more experienced and wiser than young parents, while not in a hurry. They are able to answer his endless questions without the slightest irritation, play games with him, tell fairy tales, help with lessons. When the child enters the period adolescence, the older generation, more wise by experience, can become advisers and confidants for the child.

Preparing for a breakup

To mitigate the effects of separation and alleviate stress, you should listen to the opinion of psychologists:

The child must firmly know that the mother always returns. To gradually accustom him to this, your first absences should be as short as possible. Try to leave the house for a short time at first, for an hour or two, gradually increasing the time of parting.

Try to explain to the child as clearly and intelligibly as possible why you have to leave him for a long time. Tell him how interesting it will be with his grandmother when he will draw, walk, play, read fairy tales with her, cook dinner for mom and dad and wait for them from work, etc.

Sometimes a mother tries to sneak out of the house unnoticed, at a time when someone is distracting the baby. But at such moments, the child may have a fear of being left without a mother forever. After all, if she disappeared unexpectedly for an hour, one day she may disappear forever. In order not to scare the child, be sure to kiss him and tell him that you really need to leave, and that you will miss him very much.

A child is more willing to stay with his grandmother if he lives with her in the same house. For him, she is a close and familiar person, and communication with her does not frighten him.

If the grandmother lives separately, during long separations, the most acceptable option is her arrival at your house: in a familiar environment, the baby is much more familiar and comfortable, and stress will be less noticeable. To get used to the baby, you can ask the grandmother to settle in the house at least a month earlier.

If the child has never met his grandmother, show him her photo or video and tell him in detail about her. To make the meeting long-awaited, you can play Grandma's Arrival with him. Depict, for example, how a mother cat and a kitten are looking forward to the arrival of a guest, meeting her in a car, treating her with cake and sweets, etc.

If the grandmother does not have the opportunity to live in your house, be sure to bring with you your child's favorite toys and one or two things that remind you of the house and of you: a blanket, a pillow, etc.

It's great if you have the opportunity to call him at least a couple of times a day and remind him that his mother remembers and loves him and will come soon. Be interested in his affairs: let the baby be able to share his impressions with you at least by phone. If you can't get in touch with your family, ask Grandma to tell him more often that Mom misses him too.

Come up with a game that you can play with your son or daughter from a distance. For example, compose a funny fairy tale with a good ending or come up with poems about how happy children are when mom always comes back.

The words, even jokingly, about the fact that his mother left him, are taken seriously by the baby. Grandmother must constantly maintain in him the confidence that he is very loved and significant to you.

In order for the child to feel the mother's love, at first you can lay out small surprises for him around the house (notebook, hairpin, bright pencil or typewriter), which the grandmother will give him as gifts from his mother.

Most children feel great with strangers all day, but they categorically refuse to stay with them at night. Leaving a child even with a loved one for the night is only in the most exceptional cases.

The child must be sure that in the evening they will definitely come for him. If we leave a child with a grandmother overnight, the child must be warned about this. Otherwise, he will stop trusting and will be afraid to stay with her even for an hour.

The most important thing is to write it down. If a child is on a special diet, make a special note of the list of foods that are prohibited for him, as well as foods that contain similar components. If medication is required, describe in detail the dose and time of administration. You can draw a table with a schedule for taking pills. It is even better to stick the following inscription on each drug: “Take 1 tablet (spoon) three times a day.”

If a child pulls his hands to his grandmother and willingly communicates with his grandfather, this means that he is calm and comfortable with them. But, when your relatives begin to complain that the baby turns from a quiet child into a fighter and a bully, or, on the contrary, becomes too silent and withdrawn, you should be wary. This is how he reacts to stress. It's not scary if this happens in the first few days of parting. But, if this process is delayed, the situation should be reassessed. Perhaps leaving a child with grandparents for a long time is not worth it.

Generation conflict. The choice of methods of education

It makes sense to immediately agree with an elderly person about the principles of raising a child. There may be several options:

Each of the adults has their own view of parenting and chooses their own communication strategy. Cooperation in this case is ideal. It is possible to dwell on this option only in cases where there are no fundamental differences in the methods of education in the family.

The grandmother plays the leading role in the family, and it is she who decides how to nurture the grandchildren.

Parents believe that only they can determine the strategy of interaction with the child and his upbringing.

Whichever option you choose, it should be noted that it is not so easy for the older generation to change the established views. Try as tactfully as possible to convince them of the correctness of innovations. If any of the methods is not so important for you, in some cases it is worth giving in to a more competent grandmother, and allowing her to behave with her grandson or granddaughter as she sees fit.

Of course, there are different situations when the behavior of an elderly woman who is too demanding or, on the contrary, spoils her grandchildren too much is not good for the child. However, any disagreements should be resolved as quickly as possible, because any conflict relationship can have a very negative impact on the child's psyche. Try to realize: perhaps banal jealousy for a child prevents you from finding a common language.

le="text-align: center;">

The reasons why you decide to leave your baby in the care of a grandmother for a long time can be varied. Perhaps you have not yet gone to work, but you want to relax with your husband in warm countries just the two of you. Or are you already working and not happy with the fact that the baby went to summer kindergarten. Who will come to the rescue? Of course grandma!

Marina, 23 years old: “Our daughter is 2 years 1 month old. At work, my husband was given a ticket to a sanatorium by the sea, but children are accepted there only from 4 years old. The issue seems to have been resolved, we are going, agreed with the grandmothers, they will take care of their granddaughter. But I can't sleep at night and I'm slowly going crazy: I can't imagine leaving my baby."

The fact that the child needs preparation for a stay in a new place and for separation from his home is not objectionable. But parents need preparation for separation from the child no less. Mothers begin to worry long before they have to leave the baby. Guilt is what haunts parents! “Am I a good mother if I leave the child with the grandmother?” - this question is most relevant if parents go on vacation, and do not stay in the city to work. Try not to feel guilty about "leaving" the child. You really deserve it, because the first 2-3 years of a baby's life are very stressful for his parents. Yes, and for the child, separation is no less useful. Mothers who leave their children for a few weeks in the care of relatives, then find their babies matured and acquired many new skills. To be calm and confident that the child "will not be injured", prepare the crumbs for this event. Mom does not need any special preparation: while she is preparing the baby, she internally calms down.

A clear age when a mother can leave, experts call only approximately. To decide whether to leave the baby, you need to keep in mind 2 rules.

The less time a baby spends without a mother in the first year of life, the easier it is for him to let go of her, becoming older.

Up to eight months (and ideally, up to a year), it is better for a baby not to be left without a mother for more than a few hours. At the same time, it is extremely important that in your absence he is in his usual environment and with a well-known person.

According to the American psychoanalyst Eric Erickson, before the age of one, children form the so-called "basic trust in the world." What does "basic" mean? That it is the foundation for developing a child's sense of security, trust and confidence that nothing bad will happen to him. Children who have received enough attention and manifestations of love from their mother in the first year of life become more independent after that. The world does not collapse with the mother's departure, anxiety does not increase, they are sure that she will definitely return.

Check what type of attachment is formed in the baby. If this is a healthy attachment, feel free to leave. You have nothing to fear. If the type of attachment is painful - do not rush.

The term "attachment" was coined by John Bowlby, an English psychoanalyst and family therapist. Attachment is the relationship between mother and child based on the fact that the mother satisfies the baby's need for love and security. If this is achieved, this type of relationship is called a "healthy attachment." If for some reason the baby does not receive what is necessary from the mother, he develops a “painful attachment”.

How do you know what type of attachment your child has developed?

You just need to leave for a few hours and carefully observe how the baby reacted to your departure. The fact is that almost all children cry when their mother leaves. Any child psychologist will tell you that this behavior is normal. And here is how the child will greet you and help you determine the type of attachment.

Healthy attachment. The kid is always happy with his mother, he can cry when parting with her, and is happy when she returns. At the same time, if the mother leaves, the child is quite easily distracted by other things.

Painful attachment. When the mother returns home, the child either ignores her arrival, or begins to take revenge (bites, pinches, is rude).

What if this is your case?

- Do not be alarmed, because reliable attachment develops over time, and now the moment has simply not come when the baby can calmly let you go.

- Do not scold the baby for tears, and do not inspire him that he is doing wrong.

- Try to figure out what is the reason for his behavior and pay attention to the following points: are you taking care of the baby too much; do you neglect his interests; whether you are consistent in your upbringing (for example, do you always react the same way to the same behavior).

Here is the list external conditions to be taken into account:

Arguments for:

- You have an adult who is reliable, well known and loved by the child, who is ready to stay with him for the duration of your vacation. Ideally, this is a relative with whom the baby lives or has already stayed more than once, and these meetings brought pleasure to both.

- You have the opportunity to leave the baby in the apartment where he lives (on "his" territory).

The child already knows how to speak and express his feelings, he can talk to you on the phone or on Skype.

You have already left the baby for a while, and when you returned, he happily ran to you, hung himself around your neck, and told you how he spent his time.

You are tired and exhausted, you feel that you are about to “break loose” if you miss now the chance to take a break from the family hustle and bustle.

Arguments against:

You are breastfeeding or you stopped breastfeeding less than 2 months ago (mom's departure and weaning at the same time is too stressful).

The child is not yet 1.5 years old. From this moment on, he has a desire for independence, and parting becomes somewhat less painful for him. At this age, it is already possible to explain to him that his parents will return, that they will not leave him forever.

When you return to the child after a short absence, he ignores you or "revenges" - bites, rushes.

You are so attached to the child yourself that you cannot lie on the beach for an hour without worrying that the wrong diapers will be bought for him. If you have not yet left, you feel a huge sense of guilt at the mere thought of leaving the baby.

The child does not know well the person with whom you are going to leave him. Ideally, at least a month should have passed since they started talking.

Your baby's behavior changes a lot in your absence. He becomes aggressive, or whiny, or, which may not immediately be evident, on the contrary, “freezes” and sits in the corner for hours. If your departure coincides with the period of the age crisis of the child (for example, the crisis of 3 years), it is undesirable to leave the child.

A newborn baby needs a mother around the clock, because he may need something at any time. However, gradually the child grows up, becomes more independent, he has his own interests, even if it's just a new car or bright cubes. By this time, parents begin to gradually get tired of their duties and the huge responsibility associated with the appearance of the baby. A small vacation spent just by the two of you could be a great solution, but moms and dads are afraid to leave the baby.

Rambler/Family finds out at what age a child can be left in the care of a grandmother or a nanny.

Analyzing the situation

Of course, each child is individual: until the age of three or four, someone cannot spend even an hour without a mother, and someone from the age of six months feels quite well in the company of other adults. Even among specialists in the field of child psychology, there is no consensus on the age at which a relatively long separation from parents can be safe for a baby.

Therefore, in order to understand whether such a separation would not be too strong a blow for a fragile child's psyche, Olga Kuznetsova, a psychologist at the Yauza Clinical Hospital, advises taking into account several key factors. An important question is whether breastfeeding has been discontinued.

“It is believed that separation from a child who stopped breastfeeding less than two months ago can negatively affect his emotional state: the simultaneous departure of the mother and weaning is too serious a change for the baby. These two events can intertwine in the mind of the child and negatively affect the development of his personality in the future.

However, even a baby who has been formula-fed from birth can experience serious problems when separated from his mother - this depends on the type of attachment that he has formed in relation to her. Psychologist Olga Kuznetsova believes that it is quite simple to determine it: “If a child is upset when his mother leaves, but at the same time he knows how to occupy himself during her absence and enjoys returning, this means that he has formed a healthy attachment and there are no pathologies in their relationship. If the baby is hysterical when he sees that his mother is going, cannot find a place for himself without her, and at the next meeting he behaves aggressively and vindictively - this is a reason to think that something is going wrong. Perhaps the child feels excessive maternal care and feels insecure without her.

We create favorable conditions

child with mom

Even if, after looking closely at your baby, you realize that he gets along well with other adults and does not feel a painful need for the constant presence of his mother, the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bgoing on vacation together will require some preparation. First of all, you need to decide on a suitable candidate for a person who will be ready to take responsibility and stay with the child for the period of your trip.

It needs to be devoted in as much detail as possible to all the features of the daily regimen and the behavior of the baby. Tell your grandmother or nanny how your day with your baby is built: what time he wakes up, when and what he is used to eating, what he usually does in the morning and afternoon, what time he goes to bed and how long he sleeps during the day, where and how long you usually walk, how your evening bath and going to bed - all these details can play an important role in ensuring that your child has a familiar comfortable life in your absence.

Do not forget to also instruct your "deputy" on how to behave in force majeure situations - if the child has a fever, an allergy, or he is just naughty and does not want to go to bed.

If you plan for a nanny, grandmother or other relative to move in with you during your absence, then the child will not have to get used to the new place. If the child goes to new house, then think in advance about the adaptation of the baby himself to the conditions in which he will spend a week or more. In the time remaining before your vacation, try to visit more often so that the child gets used to the new place properly. Some experts prefer this option, because at home the baby may feel the absence of parents more acutely, while in a different environment he will remember them less often.

Travel and return

So, the suitcases are packed, the grandmother (or the nanny), instructed and armed with all the necessary equipment, is ready to devote herself completely to the baby during your absence, and the child himself plays merrily in her arms. You just have to get to the place to spend a few unforgettable days together.

For a complete vacation, it is better to choose a place where you can relax, unwind, and actively relax at the same time - that is, cover all possible impressions. In Florence, for example, you will find echoes of a great past, harmony and tranquility of quiet European streets, noisy fun in central institutions and, of course, romance - here it is literally in the air. In a week, you will not only have time to visit all the museums of the capital of Tuscany, but also enjoy each other's company - as if you had a second honeymoon.

Of course, parents, having been separated from the baby for the first time for a long time, will feel some anxiety and anxiety. However, try to limit yourself to one or two communication sessions a day with your family: this will not create an unnecessary burden on the baby’s psyche, forcing him to more often remember that you are not around, and you yourself will be able to relax and unwind - in the end, because that's what it was all about. Make time for each other and enjoy the new environment and vivid impressions.

But upon returning home, be ready to begin your duties with renewed vigor. To them may be added the need to restore weakened contact with the child. Marina Smovzh, psychologist, consultant for the Pomogatel.ru service for finding nannies, head of the Lada personal development studio, notes: “The first thing parents may face is the distrust of the baby. Mom and dad will have to restore it. To use a metaphor, this work of restoring trust can be compared to repaying a loan - you will have to repay not only the debt, but also the interest on it. In other words, get ready to give more to your child.”

Question for psychologists

Recently, my husband and I often have a dispute: is it necessary to leave the child for the night with grandparents without special need. We have 2 sons. The oldest is 2 years 9 months, the youngest is 9 months. When the youngest son was born, I tried not to separate the children so that the older one got used to the fact that another child appeared in the house. But soon the elder went to the garden, began to get sick often, and recently we had to isolate him for 2 weeks so as not to infect the younger with an infectious disease. First we took him to my parents. I must say right away that we were very lucky with grandparents on both sides, they are very caring, always help out, the children love them very much, we often visit them, they often come to us and several times the elder even asked to stay with his grandmother for the night ( both one and the other). Yes, and grandmothers often ask to leave their grandson for a while. This time he also went to them with joy and the first days everything was fine, then he began to ask to go home. Because we could not bring him home yet, so as not to infect the younger one, we transported him to other grandparents. on the very first evening he did not want to let us go, then he somehow reconciled himself, but I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it was with grandparents. The husband believes that this is because he is not used to staying with his grandparents. and I think that children should not be left unnecessarily with grandparents. I want the brothers to be always (if possible) together so that they have a sense of home and family. Tell them if it is necessary to leave children regularly with grandparents without special need, simply at the request of the child or grandparents.
Thank you in advance.

4 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Is it worth leaving the child at the grandmother's for the night?

Olga! The relationship of generations in your family is only the relationship of generations in your family. If you do not have such distortions, as in the movie "Bury Me Behind the Baseboard", then there is no point in arguing.

Act in the interests of children, but do not forget about yourself. First of all, you, your husband and your children are your family. In our society, as a rule, it is the parents who instill in their children the norms of morality and behavior. Whereas, grandparents, allow children everything, give them complete freedom. A reasonable balance between the two is necessary for the full development of any child. And always, at all times, this regulation of this ratio has been a problem for parents.

I suggest you turn your attention not to the subject of the dispute, but to the very fact of its existence. As a rule, the subject of dispute, in intra-family conflicts, is not worth a damn.

I recommend that you contact a specialist in person, but not to solve the problems of grandparents, but so that you and your husband learn to argue productively, coming to a common opinion. Conflict resolution skills in the bud between you and your husband will keep a favorable climate for the development of your children in your multi-generational family.

Olga, your feelings and sensations (“I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it is with grandparents ... I think that children should not be left without great need with grandparents. I want brothers were always (if possible) together so that they had a sense of home and family ") - absolutely true! You don’t often meet a person who feels so sensitively, how good it will be for both children and yourself (and waiting for grandparents)!

You and your husband were not lucky with your grandparents (maybe with them too, most likely!), but with your parents. For a baby (2 years 9 months - a baby too!) Any separation from his mother is a trauma! You can’t protect yourself from all infections, and getting sick in your mother’s arms is better than not getting sick in another place ... This does not detract from the role of the older generation! It's just that mom (and dad, of course) at this stage are very important, their presence, touches, words, looks!

Hello Olga! If you hear your child, then refusing him will also not be very favorable - yes, children like to stay with their grandparents, especially if there is such an opportunity, then rather these connections help him form a broad idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe family - where there is a relationship between the younger generation and where there is love and respect, that he is loved and he is loved, that he himself also loves all his relatives - this is also a big plus and happiness that you have the opportunity to maintain these relationships! yes, children can also miss their parents during a long separation and this is also normal - these stays and overnight stays are good as long as it brings pleasure and comfort to the child himself, but when there is a desire to be with parents, to feel their warmth and care, then such a refusal will be more painful - sometimes there are cases (for example, with the illness of a younger child) - when there may be a need to part with parents and family - but then it is important for him to explain how many days you will be away, when you will call and why you are taking him away - "so that do not infect" - call and chat! the most important thing in extended families is to maintain this balance - and so that there is communication with older relatives (contact is very important for children and this contact is very interesting for them) and with parents and brothers and sisters. Relationships between brothers also need to be built - not just a physical presence next to each other, but to explain to both of them and help find solutions together - to understand the connection between them! and there may be another question - how comfortable these separations are for you - since this is also your family - if there is a need to be together and more often - visit - if the child asks and you can allow him to do this - let him - on the contrary, this will help him form a more complete a sense of security, a sense of trust! Olga, if you have any more questions and you want to discuss them and really understand the situation - you can feel free to contact me - call - I will only be happy to help you!

Hello Olga! You subtly feel the mood of the child, that it is very important for him to be with his parents. Probably, it is not necessary for "educational purposes" to torture a child and leave him with his grandmothers. You have to trust yourself and your feelings. At this age, contact with parents and especially with mother is very important for a child. When he is ready, he will tell you about it. Then he might be interested in visiting his grandparents. Then you'll have to go to him with it. In order not to infect a child with an infectious disease, hygiene measures are sufficient. Separate dishes, ventilation of the premises, and most importantly, maintenance Have a good mood. Then one child does not necessarily get infected from another. Excessive worry about this can only aggravate the situation. After all, your anxiety is involuntarily transmitted to the child. A psychological anxiety sooner or later passes into the physical.