What to do? (long). What to do if a child beats loved ones Why a two-year-old child beats a grandmother

D Children at the age of 3-4 experience very strong emotions, both positive and negative. Few people are embarrassed if a child laughs out loud or jumps with delight or confesses his love 10 times a day, this is most often taken for granted and fits into the myth of childhood as an absolutely happy and carefree time.

H about negative emotions, which are normal companions of positive ones, cause a completely different reaction. For some reason, many adults believe that a child at this age is not yet capable or does not have the right to real anger, aggression, grief, and in every possible way deny the naturalness of these emotions. Someone tries to indulge the child in everything, just to prevent frustration, someone simply forbids the child to show negative emotions: cry, scream, swear. Both paths are equally dangerous.

IN in the first case, the child is deprived of adequate boundaries, because of which he does not feel safe, in the second case, the constant restraint of negative emotions leads to the fact that there are fewer positive ones, the child can become apathetic, weak-willed, whiner, etc.

P Therefore, it is very important to allow the child to regularly show both positive and negative emotions. At the same time, gradually teaching him socially acceptable options for their manifestation.

Explanation:

1. When a child shows physical aggression towards an adult, it is often difficult for the latter to see only the situation itself and remember the child's age capabilities. Often in the head of an adult, social stereotypes are woven into the situation that this is a failure in education, that such manifestations need to be suppressed as harshly and uncompromisingly as possible, that it makes no sense to find out the reason for such aggression. All this only leads to an aggravation of the conflict and unpredictable consequences in behavior, well-being and emotional state child. It is important in every situation to try not to cheat too much and try to see behind the unacceptable behavior of your good baby and not naughty tear off. Children can say and do very hurtful things at this age without realizing how much they hurt an adult. Promising to expel or even kill, a 3-4-year-old does not really understand what is behind these words, but only sees that it affects an adult.

2. In the case of physical aggression, first of all, it is worth stopping the action itself, but not showing retaliatory aggression. Take the child by the arms, in his arms, take him to another room, if possible, in general, physically isolate. If the child is just swinging, you can try to stop it with words, but if he is already pinching, pushing, kicking you or someone else, first of all, you should stop this action physically, accompanied by explanations. In this situation, the grandmother was not ready for this, so her first reaction was a spontaneous reaction to the insult. But then the grandmother came to her senses and was able to react more adequately: hold her grandson's hands and calmly mark the border: "You can't beat me."
She was also able to calm down and see the conflict not as a separate event, but as a result of some previous actions.
She remembered that when she asked her grandson to put away the toys, she had not captured his attention before that, she had not even turned to him and did not check if he heard her.

3. Further, the grandmother still gives instructions automatically, gradually becoming annoyed that her grandson does not do what he was told. Nevertheless, she still speaks to his back and does not check in any way whether he heard and understood her words. Most likely, it seems to her that since he is in the hearing zone, he should have heard, but in fact, children are often so addicted to the game that they do not hear at all what is happening around.

4. As a result, the first time the grandson hears about cleaning, it turns out to be a complaint and punishment, although it seems to the grandmother that he is just fooling around and knows perfectly well what he is punished for. From the side of the child, this looks like a completely unfair and unexpected punishment. He is so upset and angry that he cannot find verbal options for expressing these emotions and rushes at his grandmother with his fists. In this case, the aggression was so strong that the child could not contain it, and the child did not know or did not remember other ways of expressing it.

5. The grandmother understood the reasons for her grandson's behavior and therefore it became clearer to her how to proceed. After all, what at first looked like laziness and unmotivated anger, after deliberation, appeared in a completely different light. Grandmother with simple questions clarifies with her grandson whether she understood the situation correctly. This helped her confirm her guesses, and at the same time helps to restore communication and calm the child. Often a simple confirmation that his interests and emotions are understood and taken into account is enough for a child to calm down and behave adequately again.

6. Grandmother saw that the child could already control himself, so she let go of his hands and decided to discuss the situation and boundaries. She starts the conversation with simple everyday questions, which actually served as the beginning of the conflict. Since before that she attracted the attention of the child and made contact, the issue is resolved easily. At the same time, realizing that the child is still upset, she offers to clean up with him.
Seeing that the child is already able to discuss the conflict, the grandmother moves on to more abstract things, namely, taking into account the mistakes of this conflict and acquainting the child with conclusions for the future. She tells him the rules calmly and briefly, without blaming herself or him.

7. An adult understands that it is not enough just to prohibit undesirable behavior, one must offer an alternative. In the case of physical aggression, such alternatives may be pillow stomping, foot stomping, running into another room, screaming, just verbal designation of the emotion "I'm angry." Some child should immediately voice all the options at once to choose from, with another you can discuss together and choose one option, it will be easier for the third if the adult chooses the option on his own. But in any case, one should not offer to simply suppress aggression in oneself, without giving it an outlet.

1. Immediately after a child hits you, it is important to tell him that you are in a lot of pain and you don't want him to hit you anymore.
2. If the blow is still repeated, try to intercept his hand.
3. If the child is in her arms at this moment, then after the second attempt, it is necessary to let her go, accompanying this with the words that such treatment is unpleasant for you, and you will not communicate on such terms. Thus, we attach actions to words that demonstrate the essence of the spoken words.
4. If a child cries, you can immediately take him in your arms and feel sorry for him. Because our task is not to humiliate and punish, but to explain. And a child can really be upset by an unexpected descent from his hands.
5. If, after you have taken the child in your arms again, the blow is repeated, release him from your arms again, and also explain, as calmly as possible, what does not suit you specifically. To do this, it is important to find the right words so that it is accurate and clear that it is not the child himself who is bad, but his behavior is unacceptable.
6. Naturally, after the second attempt, you don’t pick up immediately. But there is no need to bring it to hysteria either. The next time you can take it in your arms, holding the baby's arms lightly.
7. If the baby is not in your arms, it is also very important to distance yourself from words with actions. For example, if you played together, stop this game, if the child ran up and hit, then you should leave this room.
8. If a child hits mom or dad in the presence of friends or other family members, it is very important that they either do not interfere in this situation or support dad or mom. In this case, you need to feel sorry for the victim, completely ignoring the offender. Such an example demonstrates to a child that such behavior is not the best way to attract attention to oneself and, most importantly, that this method does not work.
9. Consistency is important in all of these activities. That is, if you can’t beat your mother, then you can’t either in the evening or in the morning, or at a party, or on the street, and in general in no situations. In order to solve this problem, as a rule, 2-3 weeks are enough.
Mistakes of parents when trying to cope with such behavior of the child:
1. "Hit back" in response to spank or lightly hit on the hand. This action on your part is wrong. Because children copy the behavior of their parents. And with this action, you demonstrate to the baby that with the help of a blow, you can express your dissatisfaction and this is an acceptable way. Therefore, adhere to what is impossible for the baby, and parents cannot.
2. "Pretend to cry" is a performance. Let's not touch on the fact of mother's deception, but the fact that mother portrays something is "entertainment" in itself. Especially for a child in a year and a half. And therefore, there is a risk that the child will continue to repeat his actions in order to see his mother's "performance".
3. The same goes for screams of pain, screaming, etc. If your baby is not scared, then he can perceive what is happening as a "spectacle." And, it is very possible that he will want to repeat it again.
4. Shame. Shame on you... Shame is a measure of social, which, for educational purposes, if effective, then much later. It's just a word for kids.
At the very beginning of the article, it was written that often this behavior is a bounds check. Of course, this is if the child in the family does not see such treatment.

The crumbs always touch their parents. For one toothless smile, they are forgiven a lot. But not all. And for the time being. Some parents are faced with completely different behavior of the child, which they dreamed of. A kid at a certain age begins to beat his mom and dad. About what to do if the baby fights, moreover, with the closest ones, says Evgeny Komarovsky.

Why is this happening

By fighting, kids express their accumulated aggression. Many mothers notice the first attempts to do this as early as six months. The child does not yet know how to speak, but he already knows how to arch his back with a “wheel” and desperately and rather viciously yell if something is not for him. A little later, the children may begin to pinch. After a year, the baby knows how to bite perfectly, and a one-year-old baby does this not out of malice, but because it is not yet able to cope with negative emotions adequately.

The most “problematic” protest age starts at the age of 2, closer to three years. Here, even the previously quiet and calm children can begin to show aggression and irritability.

However, a three-year-old fighter who is used to solving problems with his teeth and fists both at home and in kindergarten, more seriously should alert parents. Only one age stage and petty hooliganism cannot explain aggression at 2-3 years old. Usually this is an insufficient development of speech, which makes it difficult to find words to describe their feelings, a chronic lack of attention from adults, and sometimes symptoms of a nervous or psychiatric disorder.

Psychologists are almost unanimous - the main reason for children's unconscious aggression is the irritability of parents, especially mothers. According to the statistics available to child psychologists, four out of ten children have ever tried to use force against loved ones, in half of the cases the problem has become catastrophic when the child has become a real tyrant in his family.

Most often, parents of such aggressive children complain that the baby bites, spits, and also beats adults and even throws various objects that come to hand.

Komarovsky about the problem

The authoritative pediatrician Yevgeny Komarovsky has seen such children in his practice, and more than once. He categorically disagrees with the assertion of psychologists that you need to be patient and peacefully exhort the little tyrant and convince him (in words!) that "it hurts mom and grandmother."

All aspects of child aggression will be discussed with Dr. Komarovsky in the next video.

Soft and democratic pedagogical measures do not work in this situation., says Evgeny Olegovich. And if they work, then in exceptional cases. This is because aggression is nothing but an instinct, one of the strongest ancient human instincts. And it is impossible to fight instincts with any pedagogical methods.

In most situations with little fighters, only one thing works: to answer identically. Not a single manifestation of child aggression should be left without the attention of parents; an adult “victim” should immediately respond to every bite or blow.

If bitten, Komarovsky advises to bite back, if hit, do the same. Naturally, adults need to measure strength, but the answer should not be too sparing, since the child must understand from his own experience what is painful and insulting.

Moreover, Evgeny Olegovich advises mothers to comfort a screaming or whimpering child as little as possible after this “identical answer”.

If you are interested in the question of how to deal with an uncontrollable child, look at the next issue of Dr. Komarovsky on this topic.

Yevgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that the reciprocal, necessarily controlled aggression cannot speak of a mother's lack of love for her child, and even vice versa.

If you love him very much, you are unlikely to want to grow up a pathological personality with a sense of your own impunity and permissiveness.

Important

Outside of a conflict situation in which, according to the Komarovsky method, you gave a tough rebuff to a small aggressor, the behavior towards the child should not change. Mom should remain the same kind and affectionate, always ready to help. Then, according to the well-known pediatrician, the child will begin to form another very useful instinct - he will learn to respect the elders and the strong, he will understand that it is better not to provoke pain reactions, and he will also be able to quickly draw a parallel between his pain from your bite and yours during it. aggression.

Gradually, attacks on adults and peers will become less and less frequent, and then they will completely disappear and be forgotten.

- Max, calm down. Max, what are you doing? You press your fists into my eyes. I'm in pain. You will grow up, and without eyes I will not see how beautiful you have become. Max, why do you always do this? Today I hit my mother by the river with a stick in the face. He threw a stone at his father. Not a child, but horror - beats parents, grandmother. Why are you doing all this?

- Ba! Sorry!

What should I apologize for? Did I gouge out your eyes? Did I hit you with a stick? Did I throw a stone at you? Isn't it you who should be apologizing?

This conversation between a grandmother and a 4-year-old grandson was overheard at a bus stop. Although the grandmother spoke evenly, did not scream or spank the baby, after the questions the child pouted and did not talk anymore. Grandmother, too, was offendedly silent.

Why do kids hit their parents?

Usually, the sadistic tendencies of the child begin to manifest themselves already in the very young age. Being just a baby, he already pinches, beats with a fist or a toy, bites his parents, sisters and brothers, grandparents.

At first, this seems to be something harmless - at the age of one, he still continues to be a sweet and wonderful baby. At two years old, when he has more strength, we are wary, but we also attribute everything to character traits. At the age of 3-4 years, when a child begins to show more and more aggression: he throws a kitten into the water, strangles a hamster, hits his mother on the head, bites his father's hands, hits his grandmother's leg with a stick, and so on - we are on our guard. And when at the age of 5 he wants to fight with other children, we start to sound the alarm.

Is there something wrong. But what? Why such a strange desire?

• reviewed aggressive cartoons;
• still small and unintelligent, does not understand its boundaries;
• does not know how to express love, so he expresses it with bites and beatings;
• they beat him, he beats back;
• lack of activity
• and so on.

However, an observant parent who will not turn a blind eye to reality will easily see the difference between the behavior of his offspring with sadistic tendencies and other children (on the playground with other people's children, or with other children in his family). Not all children behave this way. Yes, of course, all children are quite cruel, but intentionally inflicting pain is another matter entirely.

And what older child it becomes all the more obvious that he understands perfectly well what he is doing. Grabbing the cat, he says that he needs to be punished. Seeing the frog, he offers to beat him. It cannot be confused with anything else. This is how sadism is formed .

And it depends not on cartoons and not on lack of activity, but on the state of the psyche of a little man.

What kind of children beat their parents

A child who has already shown signs of sadism has other characteristics by which it is easy to recognize him.

• The son / daughter is often offended, puffed up, turns away. When you try to clarify the situation, to talk, he demands an apology to him, but more often he simply does not say what is wrong. Aggression is manifested immediately after the act of resentment.
• The child is stubborn, rests, does obviously the opposite of what the parents said.
• He has problems with stool: constipation happens for several days in a row. Moreover, this problem began from the very first months of life.

What to do if a child hits a parent

It is possible to wean from sadism. To do this, you need to change the psychological state of the child and yourself. And immediately. Between 3 and 6 years of age, the child milestone his development, and if he goes through it incorrectly, it will not remain without consequences already in adulthood. In a milder or more severe form - depends on many factors. But it is better that without any form at all.

Remember, there are no children with an innate desire for sadism. There are no children who simply have such a character. There is a lack of understanding of the characteristics of such children, and as a result, incorrect upbringing, which develops the child in the wrong way.

Of course, changing the situation in one sitting will not work. A stubborn, touchy child will not change from one word, even the most correct one. But at the same time, the psyche of children is flexible and multifaceted, it can be changed. Take care of this issue, and you can ask your baby the right future.

Where to begin

Here are 2 articles that describe in detail how sadism begins in children, and what to do with it:

• “The child is torturing animals. Harmless pranks or the beginning of a tragedy?

The formation of sadism is described in detail at the introductory free online training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan. Just a couple of hours of lectures will give you the opportunity to completely change the character of the child. You must register to attend the lecture.